It is often said that the adverts on television are better than the actual programmes. If this is so, surely the somewhat over-the-top adverts for ''feminine hygiene'' products rank pretty high up on the entertainment scale. You may have heard the joke which runs along these lines: a woman is granted one item to take with her to a deserted island, and, on requesting a pack of panty liners, she is asked to explain her choice. She replies: ''Well, with these I'll be able to go skiing, abseiling, and skydiving!''

You may find this hard to believe, but things could soon get even sillier thanks to a new invention by Californian Magda Williams. First there was ''wings'', then there was the ''dry-weave top sheet'', now

let me introduce panty liners

- for thongs.

Ms Williams (who states no underwear preference) suggests in her recent patent that, when it comes to the use of such minimalist undergarments, current panty liners just don't cut it. Her slim-line design consists of two layers of cotton which sandwich four other layers of cotton weave, absorbent material, and plastic. So, if you're the kind of adventurous woman for whom thong-wearing is restricted to just three weeks a month, then help may be at hand.

One can only wonder what the commercials for these would be like. I can think of a few ideas that really would be worth watching.

Another new patent which may be of some interest to women is that filed by Susann Reilly of Washington DC, in which she describes the use of the gas hydrogen iodide (HI) as an aphrodisiac.

Ms Reilly has prepared a solution of HI in purified water and dextrose (a type of sugar) syrup and orally administered it to a 52-year-old woman. The woman subsequently experienced, among other things, ''nipple erection and a general tingling sensation''! It is fair to say that this particular area of research is somewhat under-developed by scientists, however, as Ms Reilly herself explains: ''As long as humans place value on optimal sexual functioning, there will be a demand for sex-enhancing drugs.'' Who could disagree?

In stark contrast to love potions, the area of new medicine formulations is big business. Furthermore, the development of new ways to dispense drugs to children is of particular interest.

Kids are notoriously hard to please when it comes to taking a course of medicine, even if it has been modified with a pleasant flavouring. Scientists at SmithKline Beecham have thought of a way around this problem which makes use of the way in which medicines are normally distributed.

When a pharmacist receives a drug, in many cases it is in the form of a concentrate which he will dilute and then add flavouring to. What SKB propose is the dispensing of the concentrates themselves together with a variety pack of

rice-paper ''flavour wafers''. A parent would then be able to dilute the concentrate with ordinary water and then dissolve up one of the wafers containing whatever flavour the

child fancied on that day. The

same principle could no doubt be applied to medicines for particularly fussy adults.

Of course, there are some things that almost all of us will readily stick in our mouths - chips being a prime example. It does seem highly unlikely that the topic of chips would crop up in the patent literature, but proof that scientists will experiment with almost anything comes in the shape of an invention by researchers at Proctor & Gamble. They have designed a contraption to heat frozen chips in a toaster. Honest.

The best way to describe this device is to say that it looks like a mini version of that pre-Playstation favourite Connect 4. If you substitute the playing pieces for vertically stacked chips then you've got the picture. When the chips are in place, the whole thing gets popped into the toaster and, hey presto, even faster fast-food results.

In their patent the inventors bemoan the limp and soggy characteristics of oven-cooked French fries and go on to say that their device will guarantee a level of ''interior moistness'' and ''crispness of crust'' found hitherto only in deep-fried chips. I can hardly wait.

These examples from the recent patent literature seem to perpetuate the idea that science has more than its fair share of quirky characters beavering away on oddball inventions. They don't all work in sheds, though, I'm sure.

All of this does throw up some serious questions, however. Questions like: Do some scientists lie awake at night thinking about fixing soggy chips instead of ways to cure disease? Will raspberry ripple-flavoured medicine be available on the NHS? And, most importantly, is it still possible to

skydive whilst wearing a thong?