THE following, from last weekend's property column in the Sunday Times, not a publication we would normally associate with a sense of humour, concerns a Japanese garden in the village of Cottered in England.

It concludes: ''A few years ago the garden hit the headlines when its owner, a roofing contractor called Graeme Woodhatch, tried to sell the antique Japanese garden ornaments at Sotheby's.

''Alert officials at the Victorian Society noticed them in the catalogue and informed the authorities that they were covered by a Grade II listing. He was forced to return them.

''Woodhatch then faced prosecution for damaging a listed garden, as well as for fraud.

''To cap it all, he had to go into hospital for an operation on his

piles, where he was murdered by a Maori hit woman employed by two former partners.

''Mullucks Wells (01279 755400) is negotiating the sale of the Garden of Good Luck and Good Life at about #500,000.''

The hit woman, Te Rangimaria Ngarimu, successfully made a getaway to New Zealand where she eventually ''found the Lord''. This prompted her return to Britain where she confessed her crime and was jailed for life. The bullets that she used on Mr Woodhatch were dum-dums as well.

Thanks to Frank Gee Opticians of Paisley for the cutting.

WE are extremely catholic in our reading tastes, and while bovinely browsing through the pages of Monthly Farming Update we came across the following in their Postscripts: ''A spokesman, commenting on the need for lagoons in which to store sewage sludge, said: ''I admit that they are not everyone's cup of tea.'' This was followed by an apology: ''Nelson Mandela was of

course in gaol, not in goal as printed last week.'' MFU also points out that Natural Times, an Anchor Butter publication, said that ''Cows in New Zealand enjoy 21,000 hours of sunshine per year,'' which means that they get 57.53 hours per day. What a

country. Happy cows and female hitmen.

GEOFF T. URIE, a St Mirren supporter, writes to tell us of purchasing a Save the Jags badge. It cost #1. He was much impressed by the quality and remarked on this to the vendor who replied: ''Aye, they're going like hot cakes. It's just a pity they cost #1.20 to make.'' On being asked why a St Mirren supporter would want to help the beleaguered Maryhill Magyars, the bold Geoff replied: ''We need to save the Jags. Otherwise there would be nobody below us.''

WE have had one printable suggestion for a fluid that would ginger up the current Scottish rugby squad, and if it doesn't already exist we suggest that some marketing mogul get to work pronto. The suggestion is Scrumpydown.

WE HAVE also received some printable black Christmas verses by people on a quest for a bottle of Auld Lang Syne in time to drink it while singing along with it at new year. Rab Garson of Bridge of Weir sends us this.

To you and yours I wish you mine

Let yours and mine be ours

But, when I'm skint, let yours

be mine

Lest Christmas spirit sours.

Keep them coming.

GOOD tidings on the Christmas front is that Strathclyde Yooni are having a carol service. The invitation requests that those attending bring a small minding to leave under the tree. These gifts will be given to the Lodging House Mission which helps the homeless in Glasgow. The invitation suggests: ''Most welcome would be gloves, scarves, socks, and

toiletries.'' But like good Yooni people they are nae sae blate, as they continue: ''No aftershave or aerosols.''

THE Scottish Arts Council is to announce to a selected few press people today its decision on Wildcat's appeal against the removal of its funding. Wildcat is not invited and will learn of the decision only through the media.

Could this rush to judgment have anything to do with the fact that Seona Reid and Magnus Linklater have been summoned to Westminster next Tuesday on what is allegedly a bum-feeling exercise regarding their decisions on Wildcat, Scottish Ballet, et al? Perish the thought, and spare one for Wildcat.