Diary

Farry told his audience that he suffered from a bad press but when people actually got to meet him, they would realise he is not such a bad chap. He reckoned he had met at least 20,000 of his fellow countrymen, which left only about 4,980,000 to convince.

A Tartan Army contact says Jim Farry once bought him and his pals a drink at the 1990 World Cup. To be exact, they managed to charge their drinks to his hotel room without his knowledge. So that doesn't really count.

In the interest of balance and fair play, we will happily pass on any examples of the gentler side of Jim Farry.

We expressed some surprise that the cheat codes for Grand Theft Auto, the successful computer game with the American ring to it, included such terms as SuperWell, Buckfast, and 9inarow. The game's lead programmer, Keith Hamilton, has explained gently to us that the creators come from such exotic places as Glasgow, Motherwell, Dundee, Forfar, and Arbroath.

He has promised to make the cheat codes for the follow-up Grand Theft

Auto 2 equally entertaining. All the work was done in the small Dundee office of DMA Design. They considered calling the game Eh Stole E' Motur but sensed it had little international appeal.

JIM Mitchell, the SNP's deputy group leader on Renfrewshire Council, has been keeping a note of the sayings of his Labour colleagues opposite. He particularly likes the councillor who declared at a meeting: ''The greenbelt is one of Labour's success stories, and we intend to build upon it.'' He was more confused, however, by the councillor, when he asked if she was going to stand again in the May elections, told him: ''I've got one or two irons in the fire, but I'm keeping them close to my chest.''

It is refreshing to find a politician who does not have an answer to everything. The Campaign for

Nuclear Disarmament sent a questionnaire to all prospective members of the Scottish Parliament.

Asked her views on removing Trident from Scotland, Ms Janeann Liston, of the Liberal Democrats, said she was ''happy to leave defence to Menzies Campbell''. But is Ming a sufficient deterrent?

COMEDIAN Clem Dane comes to the aid of Motherwell goalkeeper and flag-

holder Andy Goram who is said to be considering buying a hotel in Dunoon and

doesn't know what to call it. Clem suggests ''The Goalie Host''.

A chap called Dr Iain MacRobert has been brought in as a visiting fireman to the troubled Reid Kerr College in Paisley. Dr MacRobert introduces himself in the college newsletter in a jocular manner which staff, 75 of whom face redundancy, may or may not find amusing.

Before becoming a saviour of colleges, Dr MacRobert was a lecturer in New Testament studies. Writing in very long sentences, the doctor sets out his religious stall: ''There are doubtless one or two who would like to know what school I went to but I have no intention of telling you, nor will any conversations about football yield the kind of information that some might seek. It might interest you to know, however, that for a number of years I worked with the exiled Roman Catholic Bishop of Lilongwe (the capital of Malawi), served on a committee with the Episcopal Primus of Edinburgh, and I'm currently having a book published by the Church of Scotland's St Andrew Press.

''Any Rastafarians on the staff may be interested to know that I also guarded Haile Selassie of Ethiopia on his state visit to London.''

Which covers all options apart from the Jews, Muslims, Hindus, Sikhs, Wee Frees, Paisley Brethren, and the Rechabites.

We know little about economics but know a man who does. Mark Donaghy points

out: ''A recent batch of figures from the Bank of England revealed that the annual RPIX rate was unchanged at 2.6%. Hopes that the rate would drop back to 2.5% were dashed. The villains were frozen chips and other processed potatoes which rose sharply in price.

''I wonder what effect any price variation in such staples as Irn Bru and pints of

MacEwan's 80/- will have on the equiva-

lent Scottish rates when the new Parliment comes along?''

AN eight-year-old girl watching the Titanic video was understandably confused by the bit where the Leonardo DiCaprio character is talking about his sketches of a one-legged Paris prostitute.

''What's a prostitute?'' the wean asks Granny who is also watching the

video. Granny decides to give a definition which is accurate but

sensitive and replies. ''It's a woman who sells her body.''

''Is that why she has only got one leg?'' the innocent child asks.

GRANNie Island is a favourite character

in Mairi Hedderwick's books about the

little girl Katie Morag who lives on the Isle of Struay off the west coast of Scotland. In her dungarees and driving her tractor, Grannie Island has become a bit of a feminist icon.

Now she has her own Isle of Struay whisky, miniatures of which publishers

Random House are sending out as blatant bribery and corruption to reviewers of the latest, Katie Morag's Rainy Day Book.

Why whisky to promote a children's book? Experts on the Katie Morag books say it is not as if there is any evidence of Grannie Island being of the tippling tendency. In order that our douce reviewers of children's books are not led astray by strong drink, the Diary has confiscated Grannie Island's wee dram.