Diary

The scene is the Bothwell Bridge Hotel on Saturday night in sunniest south Lanarkshire where a very nice foreign person visiting (quite temporarily) these parts is trying to get a table for a quiet dinner with his wife. But there is no chance. The hotel is full, not least of Celtic fans celebrating their team's first league championship in 10 years.

The foreigner, a Dutchman with a distinctive hairstyle and a calm disposition, takes the news very well. Yes, despite his achievements, there was no room at the inn for Wim Jansen.

Helicopters featured prominently in the run-up to last Saturday's last day of the football season. But this particular mode of transport was not, in the event, required to transport the Rangers back to Ibrox for a celebration. Thus some Celtic fans were to be found singing, to the Chirpy Chirpy Cheep Cheep tune, the words: ''Where's your chopper gone?'' By an eerie coincidence, these same fans waiting in a bar for the match highlights on television found themselves watching the climax of the Eurovision and the triumph of Dana, the Israeli transexual singer. Which provided an

ideal opportunity for them to sing the chopper song all

over again.

Our man on the West Coast (US not Ayrshire) is on with some info on these Viagra miracle pills which can cure impotence. Apparently you have to take the pill some time before you expect you might need it. As they are saying in the US, ''What's the connection between a Disney theme park and Viagra? Both have a one-hour wait for a two-minute ride.''

Another song, this time via the Internet from Stuart Monro of Glasgow. It is a version of Bohemian Rhapsody, devoted entirely to curry.

Much of this pastiche is un peu lavatorial but we can quote some highlights. Such as:

Naan, I just killed a man

Poppadom against his head

Had lime pickle, now he's dead.

We move on to such lyrics as ''Curry, on, curry on, because nothing really Madras'' and ''goodbye, every bhaji, I've got to go, gotta leave you all behind and use the loo''. And we find ourselves after the guitar solo at the really fast bit:

I see a little chicken tikka on the side

Rogan Josh, Rogan Josh, pass the chutney made of mango.

Vindaloo does nicely, very very spicey indeed!

Biryani (Biryani), Biryani (Biryani) Biryani and a naan

(A vindaloo loo loo . . . ) loo loo loo loo loo loo loo.

I've eaten balti, somebody help me

(He's eaten balti, get him to a lavatory)

Stand you well back, 'cos this loo is quarantined.

We hesitate to print more but we can say the song ends with the phrase ''anyway the wind blows''.

The Gleniffer Ladies Choir had worked so hard for their concert at the weekend in Paisley Town Hall. Learning that Mendelssohn number called Blessed Are the Messengers. Such a shame, and quite a put-down for women, for it to appear in the programme as Blessed Are the Messages.

n Also unfair to women, and quite a few of the ladies who work there are not chuffed about it, is the new Internet website for Dumfries and Galloway Council. You can access it via dumgal.com.

We have news of more Japanese banks in trouble. It would be tasteless to poke fun at the plight of the Tofu Bank. Not much is being said about the demise of the Haiku Bank, apparently only 17 words at a time. Despite their hands-on approach, the Shiatsu just can't put their finger on what's going wrong. In the Fuji Bank all the meetings are being held in camera. Also in the Far East, the governors of the Shih-Tzu are barking mad because the place has gone to the dogs. At the Kowtow Bank they will bend over forwards to please the customers. Over at the Samurai and Hari-Kiri banks the staff are still too cut up to talk. At the Tamagochi Bank the customers are dying through lack of interest. There's something fishy at the Sushi Bank. And, finally, at the Jujitsu Bank they just don't give a toss any more.

So, this Glasgow wit approaches a Big Issue vendor and says: ''Knock, knock.'' ''Who's there?'' replies the vendor. ''I thought you were homeless?'' says the heartless Glaswegian who departs without even buying a copy.

Thank you, we think, to the many people who sent us the latest edition of Makro Mail. One of the DIY deals currently on offer from the cash and carry giant is the Kinzo Jobby 1400 welder at #59.99. It includes accessories, apparently.

A snip at #80,000? A lock of John Brown's hair could realise that much when it's auctioned in Edinburgh later this month, especially if Billy Connolly is among the bidders. The locket containing the silvery strands is inscribed ''Dear John, 27 March 1883'' and beneath her ghillie's hair, Queen Victoria has added the words ''From VRI''.

This gives us the excuse to mention an auction at which was offered for sale an item described as ''Queen Victoria's Split Drawers - voluminous fine linen drawers with whitework embroidered VR 36 below a Queenly crown, with drawstring ties to the waist, with pin tucks to the leg hems, gussetted hems, numerous small stains . . . ''