n Dear Mr Chris Evans, in the world of light entertainment a hot air balloon may have the same inflated dome and lifting force, but you can fly so much higher. It was disgraceful that last month your Virgin radio station was fined #2000 by broadcasting bigwigs for breaking promises made to win your licence - namely, covering any serious topics whatsoever since your Ginger company took over. What do they know? After all, you're the man who began as a gorilla-gram and dumbed down your act to further your career; all the way from Timmy Mallett gofer, host of The Big Breakfast, Don't Forget Your Toothbrush, to Radio 1 DJ, then star of your very own TFI Friday show, and finally Virgin radio DJ and Big Boss. You are a flame-haired meteor whose vaulting ambition can leap the lives to come.
n What is the secret of your astounding success? Could it be, quite simply, that what you lack in confidence couldn't fill a a midge's sporran? If ego is chocolate, Mr Evans sir, you are the keyholder to the entire Smarties factory. And, boy, can you make the nation giggle with your own zany brand of humour, which is surely the cheeky love brat of Howard Stern and Jenny Eclair. Truly you are the shockest jock of them all! Tell us again how you asked the newsreader to photocopy her breasts and fax the image to you. I nearly choked on my Frosties, I can tell you.
n And I simply won't listen to those jealous party-poopers who say you show no scruples in picking targets. When you named one of your own staff on air and said how he was ''lucky not to be sacked'' for fiddling an expense claim, you were only showing him who was boss. Just like when the BBC wouldn't give you a Friday off so you simply didn't bother turning up for work. Cool! Or when two years ago you refused your Sony Radio award as Best Broadcaster - was this because you lost the breakfast music category while presenting at Radio 1? That made them sit up and think, because only last week they gave you the Sony Radio Gold Award, which proves you knew best all along.
n I hate to mention it, but so sorry your favourite football team, the mighty Glasgow Rangers, lost out on the league championship at the weekend - could Chris Evans really back a loser? But I am looking forward to your programme tonight when you reveal your unquestionably superb golfing skills. PS. Can I get a job on the babble crew on your radio show, so I too can laugh on cue all the way to the bank?
n Chris Evans, Virgin Radio, 7.00amn Tee Time, C4, 8.00pm
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