THE man tipped to become the next leader of the Philippines yesterday set out to prove that politics really is no laughing matter.

Former movie star Joseph Estrada, currently vice president and well ahead in the presidential campaign, is generally regarded as not being the sharpest tool in the box. This, together with his unfinished college education, poor grasp of English, and legendary womanising, has made him the butt of many jokes in Manila society.

Mr Estrada's finest hour probably came during an appearance on a recent Philippines talk show. The host asked: ''If you become president, what will you do about the Abortion Bill?'' And quick as a flash, he replied: ''I'll pay it.''

Now Mr Estrada has made a virtue of his inadequacies and written a joke book about the subject he knows best - himself. How To Succeed in English Without Really Trial is a painful compendium of his wit and wisdom. For instance, at a dinner party when he was asked if he would like a second helping, he replied: ''No thanks, I'm fed up already.''

Food seems to be a pretty constant fault factor. Asked why he had stopped eating pork, he explained: ''Pork is bad because it hardens the artilleries.''

Other examples of his linguistic misconceptions include his brief conversation with a long-distance telephone operator. ''Could you please tell me the time difference between Manila and San Francisco?'' The operator requested: ''Just a minute, caller.'' Estrada replied: ''Thank you'' and hung up.

Then there was the time he conducted a news conference in a particularly small room. ''Let's transfer,'' he said to the nation's press and media. ''I'm getting sophisticated in here.''

The man who once defined the word ''bacteria'' as the back door to the cafeteria was asked if he had been asthmatic as a child. ''No,'' he replied. ''I've always been Catholic.'' On another occasion he was asked what his favourite flower was. ''Chrysanthemum,'' he said. Then, when asked if he could spell it, he hesitated for a second and added: ''Actually, my real favourite is rose.''

Despite his thick skin, it seems the constant criticisms about his poor grasp of English occasionally hurt him to the quick. After one particularly fierce attack, he finally snapped. ''From now on, I'll just speak in the binocular.''