Uncle Tom Cobley and his entire family were contributing their review of Labour's first year in Government last week - hilariously awarding marks out of 10 in many cases when they would have been better using the belt - so I decided to give the subject the body swerve. The latest Scottish opinion poll is a much more accurate assessment of the People's Party's standing among the electorate.
What was it that old chap - Wilson, wasn't it? - observed about the art of politics? That a week was a long time. Aye, well a year is a damn sight longer particularly when you watch many of your hopes and dreams disappear down the plug-hole.
The Scots voters played ''hunt the Tory'' last May. The Conservatives were tired, in Government too long, affected by sleaze, oblivious to public opinion, and, above all, perceived as an English party. So they were sent homeward, tae think again (which, in the meantime, they most certainly have).
New Labour, new deal, new MPs, new standards, new jobs, new, shorter waiting lists, new computers, even new hairstyles became the vogue. Cool Britannia was the cry, followed all too swiftly by Shut Up the Scots.
For, under the happy-clappy,
smiley-wily, glitzy-glam of President Tony, spun by the doctors dozen, it quickly became apparent that many of the Scottish stalwarts in the party were an absolute embarrassment. They were old Labour, they were used to running councils in their own quaint and often Stalinist style and they expected votes to be turned into goodies for their followers.
Mr Blair promised them that his priority would be ''education, education, education''. Great, replied big Archie, I'll have a new primary school in my ward and increased grants to send the clever ones to the Yooni plus a new roof for St Oggies. What do you mean, I can't have them? Instead Labour offered the introduction of student tuition fees, axed the maintenance grant, dropped nursey vouchers and assisted places, and threatened the survival of Scotland's unique four-year degree course while indicating that teachers could expect a measly wage rise. This did not go down a bundle in education committees up and down the land.
A substantial rise in hospital waiting lists underlined the emptiness of the election pledge; unemployment is expected to move the same way.
Labour's new Scottish MPs proved to be about as prominent as Mullahs at a Bar Mitzvah. Which of them has made a mark, caught the public imagination, dared to raise their voice to challenge policy? Dolly the cloned sheep has more individuality.
And the clangers have continued to be dropped. The Scottish Office has done for public relations what President Chirac has done for Chancellor Kohl.
The site of the Scottish Parliament - oops! The snubbing of Sean Connery -ouch! The failure to explain, until too late, what was happening at Dounreay - a spectacular own-goal. The pomposity of Lord Irvine - a gift to the comedians.
Which brings us neatly to the SNP. Alex and his Tartan Terrors are having a lovely time exploiting Labour's clumsiness, portraying themselves as the only true patriots. To be honest, apart from Mr Salmond himself ,who is a clever operator, their ranks are not exactly overflowing with talent either.
I have seen the SNP in action in local government and it is not a pretty sight. Take away the banners and the Braveheart bit and you are left with an awful lot of bombast. They hate to be reminded of it but their most potent weapon is pure prejudice against the English.
Yes, Scotland could be an independent nation with its own army, navy, and air force, plus embassies in every country in the world, but that is a
pretty expensive option and one which I doubt will be favoured by the majority of Scots. The United Kingdom punches above its weight in international influence - would Scotland? In any case, do not be entirely swept away by the opinion polls. This is the electorate punishing new Labour for deliberately deceiving them.
The Nats will continue to portray Labour as a party run from Millbank, taking their orders from London. It is up to the Government to clean up its own midden and it could start by a reshuffle in the Scottish Office. There must surely be someone among the newcomers worthy of promotion; messrs Wilson, Galbraith, and MacDonald are strikingly devoid of the spark to set the heather on fire.
I doubt if Alex Salmond wants to run the show in the Holyrood Parliament. That would involve taking decisions, not all of them popular; he would much prefer to sit on the sidelines and snipe, hoping for the right moment to launch a referendum on independence.
For the other Unionist parties, the Liberal Democrats and the Scottish Conservatives, the challenge is clear. If we really believe in the benefits of the Union, and I most certainly do, then it is time to argue our case in the strongest possible manner.
May I respectfully suggest to the Libs that they cease to behave like Labour's bidie-ins and demonstrate their ability to be their own party. A Cabinet place for Mr Ashdown is a high price to pay for the break-up of the United Kingdom.
As for my own party colleagues I hope we all realise that the only way to remain British is to prove that devolution works, to convince the electorate that we will be enthusiastic Holyrood Parliamentarians. That means no deals with the SNP and exposing them for what they are - little Scotlanders.
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