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When we married, my husband and I were earning around the same salary and we shared all the bills. However, as the years have passed I seem to have been the one who has made more progress in my career. I now earn almost double what he earns.

This is not a problem for me; after all, I believe we should share everything and, if it was the other way around, it wouldn't bother me to accept our higher standard of living was because of his income. But I'm concerned he is being adversely affected. He used to seem quite determined, but has gradually become complacent and seems unwilling to try for promotion, although I encourage him.

He makes remarks about being a kept man and following in the wake of my success. He seems perfectly happy with the situation. We have been discussing starting a family, but he is now suggesting he should give up work when the baby is born and become a house husband. I am horrified at the idea. He needs to keep working for his own self-esteem. Also, the idea of being the sole breadwinner frightens me. Short of giving up my job, and changing our lifestyle, how do I get him to realise what he is doing is not right, and he needs the self-esteem of a successful career.

R G, Bearsden

It sounds to me as if you may be the one who has a problem with this situation. You are basing all your judgments on how you view the circumstances. As a successful person in business, your aspirations are very focused. However, other people have different ambitions and values in their lives.

Your husband may well be content with the situation, and his choice to take on the role of house husband may be one he really wishes to make. Everyone has different levels of ambitions, comfort zones and needs. It could well be what you each want is simply different. Reading between the lines, I sense you may be concerned that, because you are developing and growing in a certain way, you feel your husband is being left behind, intellectually as well as financially. Are you feeling that you are losing respect for him, because he is not measuring up in a way you equate with success?

I get the impression you may not have discussed, honestly, how you feel. Find out how your husband really feels and agree how you want to live your life. Admit your fears - it may give him permission to admit his.

We have been invited by friends

to spend three weeks in the summer with them at a villa they have rented in Tuscany. The idea sounded great and we were very much looking forward to it as we all get on really well. However, last week she told me they had invited another couple. I nearly died. They are a couple we don't mix with much, but I know the man well - we had a silly fling three years ago. We had known each other casually, and after a staff party we ended up at the same disco. One thing led to another, but it was only once. We have never mentioned it since, and I have felt so guilty and embarrassed about the whole thing. I never told my husband - I don't think he would forgive me.

Now I am terrified that when we go on this holiday the whole story will come out. Should I tell my friend and hope that she understands and can sort something out? I don't want my husband to find out, but can't see how I can go on this holiday.

name & address supplied

This does sound very awkward and I can understand why you are panicking. First, I would ask whether you could trust your friend not to tell anyone your secret. If you truly believe she is trustworthy, telling her might well be the first step to finding a way out. However, there is the question of whether the person with whom you had the one night stand is also desperate to keep your fling a secret. Perhaps you could speak to him and find out. If you agree not to say anything, perhaps you could go on your holiday.

Talking to him might also give him the opportunity to call off, if he felt that the situation would be too awkward. Finding a convincing excuse not to go, may be more difficult to achieve, but may be the ultimate answer, if you can't resolve it any other way.

I am to be married for the second time in June. I was divorced seven years ago but was lucky enough to meet this great guy, and we hit it off right away. We have been together for three years and have now decided to take the plunge. We planned a quiet family church wedding and sent out the invitations. I have three children from my first marriage, and they have all seemed to accept the situation.

My middle son, who is 18, has now told us he will not be coming to the wedding. He says he doesn't mind me getting married but doesn't want to be there.

I am so unhappy. I wonder if he is covering up a bitterness which he is unwilling to discuss. We don't talk much about personal things.

I have tried to persuade him, as have his brother and sister, but it doesn't seem to be working. This is to be a very special day in my life, and it will be spoiled for me if he doesn't attend. Can you suggest how I can persuade him?

I C, Kilmarnock

If you have tried talking to him, and have been unable to find out why he doesn't want to attend, I believe you will have to allow him the right not to be at your wedding. There may be resentments which will only be aired or resolved with time. Forcing him to attend may mean his attitude spoils the day for you, as, I accept, his non-attendance would also do. Include him in as many things as you can before the wedding.

Help him feel part of what is going on, even if he is not going to be there, and allow him the space to come to terms with your marriage in his own way.

circle of friends

I write to agree with your advice to the lonely lady: namely, that you are more likely to find a partner when you are not looking [April 25].

My own opinion is that this lady is very vulnerable just now, and meeting people through adverts is potentially very dangerous. The danger is not the threat of violence, but of being conned. Lonely people need to meet in a ''controlled environment''.

I was once in this situation - on my own after ending a relationship. Your advice about going to places and events that interest you, may be old hat and repeated constantly in advice columns, but this advice has stood the test of time.

To meet a partner you really need to increase your circle of friends.

However, you should also do some spring cleaning on your self. Be sure you know what you want from a partner, but also ensure that you have resolved all the baggage from last time. If you have truly sorted yourself out, then history will not repeat itself.

Look at your image - get a make-over, revamp your wardrobe, etc. Feel good about yourself.

Finally, take care when you go out, and enjoy yourself.

S P, Grangemouth