NEWS of Celtic's third-minute goal against St Johnstone on Saturday spread like a virus among the 29,000 Rangers fans who had come to watch satellite pictures at Ibrox, but felt sickness coming at them from an invisible source.

In a stadium where nothing was actually happening the hearts and minds of supporters who had paid #3 each to sit in front of an empty pitch were vulnerable to too many sources of unreliable information for psychological health.

Fuzzy screens indicated that Rangers were steadily defeating Dundee United at Tannadice, but with all the nuances of the game - and the drama (was there any?) - evacuated. It was like getting your mates together in an unfurnished living room and staring at two credit card-size Sony TV sets stuck up in the corners of a far wall.

Then there was Archie Macpherson's commentary echoing around incomprehensible acoustics.

Lastly, the most vital yet least trustworthy antennae into the nervous systems of Rangers fans were the radios faintly transmitting the score from Parkhead into thousands of Ibrox ear-pieces. Radio, for once, proved more powerful than TV and it created the afternoon's most poignant absurdity.

While supporters had their eyes on an expected Rangers victory and their ears on a longed-for Celtic defeat, hope spread delusions like fever. Radio Scotland announced an equaliser and an atomic cry mushroomed out from the Broomloan stand.

For a few delirious moments destiny looked different: St Johnstone draw with Celtic; Rangers beat Dundee United; Rangers' team fly in by helicopter to Ibrox and celebrate their historic tenth-in-a-row league victory in a ticker-tape parade of red, white, and blue.

The radio news, unfortunately for those present, had been rounding up some of Saturday's other matches. The equaliser which spread such waves of joy through Ibrox had been scored by Brechin City's Steve Kerrigan in 14 minutes of their game against Clydebank. Although Brechin proceeded to lose 6-1, they will surely be grateful to know that Kerrigan's lone strike was momentarily cheered by 29,000 Rangers fans.

Aside from Brian Laudrup's goal after 23 minutes, and Jorg Albertz's penalty which put Rangers 2-0 up at Tannadice, the highlights back at Ibrox during the same game relied on a couple of desultory pitch invasions.

As one fan raced to the centre-spot and raised a flag bearing the red hand of Ulster, stewards ambled casually over to remove him, and an announcement came over the Tannoy: ''Just let me assure you, sir, that if there's a party at five o'clock, you will not be there.''

It was, ultimately, a toothless threat. After Harald Brattbakk scored the goal at Parkhead which ensured Celtic's league win, fans at Ibrox (having made sure of the news) began to abandon the satellite screens 15 minutes before the completion of a Rangers victory which had lost its meaning.

A ''beam-in'' is a weird enough event as it is. Photographers face the crowd. Supporters have to create their own atmosphere. The quality of viewing is worse than TV. There is a football pitch-sized emptiness in the middle of it all.

However, those who turned up at Ibrox on Saturday had more than their fair share of weirdness to deal with. They had to celebrate a Rangers victory at Dundee, which meant next to nothing. They had to lament a Celtic victory at Parkhead, which meant only that they haven't won the title. And they had to experience it all through dodgy technology.