Your Diary correspondent was instrumental in helping Brian Simmers piece together his weekend, which turns out to have been completed successfully with the help of the SNP.

Simmers celebrated the Hawks' victory by going back to ''Three Quarters'', the new bar owned by some of the lads in the Scottish back division in Edinburgh's Grassmarket, from where things became a little blurred.

However, after detailed discussion with many folk who were around him, he has managed to ascertain that he lost the Tennents Velvet team of the year award, missed the bus home with the rest of the Hawks lads, slept in Alex Salmond's hotel room, and caught the train back to Glasgow on Sunday morning still resplendent in his dinner suit. On Monday he was still a very happy man. Hell's bells, if you can't celebrate a cup final win, then what can you do in life?

qGot a fax from Kevin Greene about the Hawks' success: ''Great result for the Hawks at the weekend to cap a fabulous season,'' he writes. ''Really pleased for Bill MacDonald who has a great passion for the game and deserves any success that comes his way.

''Also for Brian Simmers who at times must have felt he was fighting a lone battle to get the amalgamation sorted last year. He must feel a great sense of satisfaction that he stuck to his guns.''

Kevin signs off by saying that the bloke I met last year, who was actually wearing my Lions jumper, is still wearing it out there. His name is John Parima. A huge and proud Maori man, he still, according to Greene, is regaling people with his collection of Maori songs, one of which is called ''Maori had a little lamb!''

qSTAYING with the New Zealand theme - remember that occasion when Gavin Hastings dumped Richard Loe on to his backside at Cardiff during the 1991 world cup in the play-off for third and fourth place? Hastings ran at the massive All Black prop and propelled him backwards. It was the blackest day in Loe's life, and the big man has never lived it down in his own country.

A wee mole tells us that the Scottish development officers, while in New Zealand recently learning about their rugby, went to visit the big man on his farm. On the way, they drew straws to find out who would mention this famous moment in sport first since Loe hates the subject. Poor Colin Thompson drew the short straw. They arrived at Loe's farmhouse, and the big man was hospitable, giving the men a beer.

So nervous was Thompson that within a minute of arrival he blurted out: ''So Richard - how did you feel when Gavin Hastings dumped you on your arse then?'' The room fell silent. Loe's eyes glazed over. But the moment was saved as his wife bounded in. ''Right lads, time for lunch,'' she said. ''There's venison stew, or there's pork. Richard killed the pig by himself, with his hands. He's very good at killing things with his hands.''

Thompson, we are told, ran from the room bleating: ''Er, do you think I could see around your farm just now?'' Aye, the only thing which separates New Zealand rugby players from ours is attitude, and the fact that they can kill things with their bare hands for fun.

qIT IS the world's friendliest tournament this weekend - the Tobermory Single Malt Mull Sevens. There will be 24 teams taking part in these extraordinary games. Finlay Calder is taking a side, Gareth Flockhart will be playing, and when you look back at the people who have played there, who include Steve Munro, John Rutherford, Roger Baird, and Iain Paxton, you have to say the weekend gives a little more than some others.

Last season one of the women's teams tied a bloke to the bar naked, and it is rumoured that some of the Arran players will again be going back to see their children.

qBig Gav Hastings has a new business venture in partnership with Marcus Robertson, whose mum, Elizabeth Beresford, wrote the Wombles. At the press conference to launch the new deal, Marcus handed out Womble dolls and claimed to be the inspiration for the Womble called Orinoco. However, we know he wasn't - it was big Gavin himself.

qFinally, well done to East Kilbride who are to appoint a rugby development officer, either using the current captain, Gerry Baines, or the incoming captain, Guy Tippett, both New Zealanders. Coach Steve Blair is going to New Zealand to study coaching methods and look for players, while the club is to build a new stand to house fans.

Being in a country park they have to build a stand of the ''appropriate style'', and so are considering one constructed of wood and looking like a highland cow.