The mixed blessing of a first communion

We hear of the first communion of one male progeny of just such an ecumenical union. The mother, a Catholic, had decreed that the boy be brought up a Catholic. The husband, a Rangers supporter by belief, had agreed.

Come the preparations for the big day and it has been decided that the boy will be dressed in full Highland fig for the event. The husband is sent to the kilt hire shop to do the business.

As he surveys the many varieties of tartan on offer, he spots a window of opportunity. It is a very smart and colourful kilt, says the wife. She is blissfully unaware that the boy has been sent up to the altar for his first communion in a Rangers kilt.

Why all the shock horror in the press about the news that Wim Jansen has decided to quit Celtic, a reader from Bothwell asks. We knew last week that he was for the off. How? Good contacts at Celtic Park? No, says the caller, we could tell when he cancelled his papers last week at the local newsagent.

n Sorry to harp on about football, but Raymond McMillan is on to ask if we remember that Nike advert at the beginning of the season. The one with a photo of Walter Smith and the words ''9/10 - could do better.'' How true, says Mr McMillan.

There is a very choosy car thief at work in Glasgow's Merchant City. He or she smashed a window and nicked the audio system of a brand new Honda Civic (as you do), but decided to discard the Bob Dylan tape that had been left in the cassette player. The thief is obviously something of a gourmet: also selected for purloining was the Panettone cake, the Italian delicacy from Sarti's, which had been left in the back seat.

We are very nearly grateful to Paul Condron of Glasgow for the following thoughts:

n Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused his dentist's novocaine during root canal work? He wanted to transcend dental medication.

n A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. ''But why?'' they asked, as they moved off. ''Because,'' he said, ''I can't stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer.''

We have carried various pastiches of the Trainspotting film opening words under such headings as Hunspotting, Timspotting, and Jagspotting. Now politics supersedes football with Blairspotting:

Choose the red rose of England for a logo. Choose tobacco advertising. Choose to abandon socialism. Choose Pat Lally. Choose Mohammed Sarwar. Choose to evict Humphrey the cat. Choose a balding leader with sticky-oot ears. Choose to axe single-parent benefits. Choose Margaret Thatcher. Choose New Labour.

Also filched from the Internet, courtesy of David Ross of Glasgow, some Deep Thoughts:

n If man evolved from apes, why do we still have apes?

n The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.

n If a mute swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?

n Whose cruel idea was it for the word lisp to have the letter S in it?

n If a man is in the middle of the forest speaking and there is no woman around to hear him, is he still wrong?

n Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do ''practice?''

n What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?

n If the police arrest a mime artist,

do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?

n What was the best thing before sliced bread?

Meanwhile, some more Japanese financial news just in from Fiona Carmichael of this parish: the Kwai River bank has had to take out a bridging loan. On a positive note, the Yamaha bank's replacement of key board members seems to be striking the right chord.

A great souvenir for any Celtic fan. The May 7 edition of the East End Independent local paper in Glasgow with the advert by the Loudon Bar (a kenspeckle Rangers howff) for their

10-in-a-row party.

Richard Spencer, a lawyer of this parish, is on to be pernickety, as they do. He is offended by shops, usually branches of English-owned chains, which exhibit signs which say: ''We prosecute all shoplifters.'' This may be the case in England, he says, but up here it is the procurator-fiscal who decides to prosecute or not. Richard insists that the most that a shopkeeper can say is: ''We ask

the procurator-fiscal to prosecute all shoplifters.''

Wherever you are in the world you are never far away from a discussion about Celtic and Rangers. Howard Tindall, writing from Uzbekistan in Central Asia, was on a tour of an outlying part of the country. ''Our guide began discussing football when he learned I was from Scotland. Although the conversation pro-

ceeded along the usual lines of Glasgow Celtic, Glasgow Rangers, Jimmy Johnstone, Ally MacLeod, it wasn't long, in this hotbed of Islamic fundamentalism, before sectarianism began to feature.''

The guide spoke long and lovingly of the high regard in which he held Alistair McCoist, the Rangers striker. ''Tell me,'' the guide said, ''Is Ali a Muslim?''