One humbling fact which those of us who are ministers know only too well is that Kirk members are not like bees. Honeyed words from the pulpit do not bring them buzzing away from their normal habitat to a new one. Sweetness and light, in

pulpit and pew, does keep those who are already there from buzzing off, which is of

small reassurance. On the other hand, rotten preaching might drive them away, but they seldom seek another hive. They simply stay away.

To put it another way, there

is not a market in religion. We tend to assume that churches

are like restaurants or banks or hairdressers, and that members behave like customers. If their needs are not met, they go to

the bistro, bank, or barber down the road next time. A few church members behave like this, but most simply lose interest and commitment. That horrible truth lies behind much of the halving of Kirk membership in a single generation. In bare statistics, from 1.3million in 1961 to 660,000 in 1997. The implication is that no matter how hard the Church tries to revamp its services, laws, and doctrine, it will be in vain.

To apply that grim analysis to the General Assembly which has just met, the reforms will not be enough to halt the slide. In other words, bringing in child-protection measures, revamping education for the ministry, and improving stipends and study leave for ministers, balancing the books, and bringing a balanced approach to the Book of Books, will not work the mir-acle. That is not to imply that the Kirk should not try. All of these are necessary, if not essential.

Having a view on the press-ing social and moral issues of our time is also something which a national Church ought

to be doing, even if many of

us would not wish those who compile some of the reports on these issues to be so certain in their conclusions.

When it comes to doctrine, this, too, must be looked at in

the light of changes in the world and human thought. All that happened this week and was all to the good. Unfortunately, as I looked round the assembly and listened to the speeches, I did not lose my sense of foreboding. Despite the sleeker, younger assembly and the presence of the youth delegation (unkindly called the Kindergarten by one crusty veteran), this assembly was not a good shop window for the Kirk. If I were a bee, I would have buzzed off.

So many ministers were poor speakers with dreary voices,

and second-rate advocates. The youth were sent up and down to the microphone and drooled over by those who were pulling their strings (I am referring to the fact that they all filled out advance forms saying what they would like to speak on and did not have to fight to be heard as ordinary commissioners usually do).

There were the usual competent and smooth performances from conveners and officials, and, as usual in this post-

assembly article, names require to be named. The limelight was never far from my old friend, the Rev John B Cairns of Dumbarton. JBC is a kind of Kirk answer to the JCB - a big powerful brute which revs up, moves obstacles, digs holes (into which he tempts others to step), and generally gets a lot of dirty work done (as he did in brokering the armistice in the Board of Communication).

The Rev Duncan ''Rottweiler'' McClements barked and bit, or rolled over and played cuddly, accordingly as the need of the moment demanded.

Newcomer of the assembly must surely be the Laird of Auchindinny, near Penicuik, Mr John McCulloch, who is the presbytery clerk of Lothian. His

marble-mouthed tones, flashy ties, and eye-catching braces were much in evidence in several debates and he even tried a new procedural tactic by moving ''that the motion be not put'', which

I cannot recall being used before to prevent the assembly having to vote for or against something and allow the status quo to prevail.

Prize for the most doughty pilgrim must go to the Rev Alice Kirkpatrick from Shetland, who made it across the seas in her wheelchair to take up her usual position in the front aisle and command (somewhat ungraciously I thought) the microphone several times.

But the poisoned chalice must be awarded to the Rev Tom McWilliam, who takes the task of sorting out the mess in the Board of Communication.

Early in the week I allocated several Sinatra titles to the

board and no doubt there will

be high hopes that it will all

be nice'n'easy, and the best is yet to come; and that they will all be singing, get happy, let me try again, and not I get a kick out of you.