Bless my poor old soles

MYTHS: Having queued for an hour in the rain in Ingram Street we have now been ushered into the presence of the most famous corn remover in Christendom.

SOLE: Right, ma man, aff wi' yer bits and let's have a shuftie at yer feet.

MYTHS: That growth on my big toe has bothered me ever since I was a late night reporter and had tae walk the mean streets of Glasgow making my police calls.

SOLE: Odd way to earn your corn, if you'll pardon the wee pun, son.

MYTHS: Now, I took on this assignment with a great deal of disquiet even though you have the reputation as the most skilled exponent of the corn scalpel in the land. The thought of anyone touching my feet, never mind slashing away at my corn, gives me the shivers.

SOLE: Keep a calm sough. That butchery is all in the past. This is the new age of corn removing. We have rediscovered all the old, natural techniques which our ancestors practised. I have spent the last 20 years in the glens gathering the old wisdom.

MYTHS: Surely, we've left those suspicious, druidic days behind?

SOLE: This may be post-Industrial Revolution but science can only do so much - the old magic provides more answers. When the cry goes up - ''oh, my aching feet'', I'm there on the case.

MYTHS: Does this new, non-invasive technique explain the fact that there's a queue of 500 people out there waiting for treatment?

SOLE: Think about it, the feet must be the most downtrodden and abused parts of our anatomy. We jump, run, hop. Some of us stagger, some of us stoat, and some of us dance. Our feet get cold, wet, frostbitten, crammed into shoes several sizes too small, or let loose in gargantuan clodhoppers. Little wonder corns - those dastardly enemies of pedal comfort - are so widespread.

MYTHS: Perhaps then as you apply this strange, brown, gooey substance to my corn, you might outline for our readership exactly which of the old techniques you have adopted?

SOLE: Fresh coo sharn - that's what this is, my boy - from Daisy, the Ayrshire oot in the back court. Best quality. No, no, sit at peace, you'll get used to the bouquet.

MYTHS: Surely that's not the be all and end all, state of the art corn removing with dollops of manure?

SOLE: Far from it, although right through history, dung has been pure efficacious for corns, warts, and all sorts of unseemly growths. No, we offer a whole range of corn destroyers. But I should point out that it's the way they're applied which makes the difference. Not worth anyone trying this at home.

MYTHS: Excrement aside, can you give us a few examples of the substances you use?

SOLE: Certainly. Castor oil works a treat, lemon peel does the business, a bread and vinegar poultice is serviceable, if you can get hold of fresh pineapple slap it on and the corns will soon hit the road. And then you might attempt tea leaves wrapped in linen or oatmeal water.

MYTHS: My granny used to mention one particularly skincrawling method of getting rid of warts and corns - the black slug.

SOLE: Too true. It's our best seller by a long way. The oil and juice that drips from snails after roasting them over a fire have been used in treating everything from consumption to rheumatism, jaundice, rickets, and whooping cough. But they also work a treat with the old corns.

MYTHS: If you're suggesting that I trot around with a snail between my toes then the old scalpel suddenly seems more appealing.