A REPORT from the Church of Scotland's General Assembly has been nominated for an award by a language group - for being the worst example of gobbledegook ever read.
The Plain Language Commission says last week's Kirk report, about simplifying building procedures, was too difficult to understand.
The commission's research director, Mr Martin Cutts, says the report is being considered for an Eternal Damnation prize at its annual nonsense awards later this year.
Mr Cutts said: ''Sentences in the report were so long they gave a glimpse of eternal life - and perpetual damnation.
''It criticises incomprehensibility of its own procedures, yet the report itself is incomprehensible.''
The joint committee report into improved procedure for church building work was presented to the General Assembly last week.
It called for current guidelines to be made simpler for its laymen to understand, saying they were too complicated and involved too many organisations.
The report said: ''Many officebearers find it difficult to grasp the details of all to whom they have to make application and in what order or timescale.''
But its solution proved too much of a mouthful for the Plain Language Commission, which said it was as confusing as whatever the Kirk wanted to replace.
It said: ''As at present the approval of presbytery will be required for work - either repairs or alterations - at buildings and presbyteries will have power to make provision by way of resolution for the circumstances in which their approval for work will not be required but only as long as these circumstances do not elide the need for presbytery approval for work where the cost invokes a financial limit or is otherwise work which requires the approval of the General Trustees.
''Presbyteries are, however, being encouraged to liaise with the General Trustees when framing the circumstances in which their approval for work is not required in order that the criteria fixed may be as consistent as is compatible with differing circumstances in different presbyteries.''
The long-winded explanation was described as ''appalling'' by the commission, which said the Church should ditch antiquated language and speak to the people.
Mr Cutts said: ''They like to think the are dealing with higher things, but I would have thought clear and direct communication was a pretty important part of their work.
''If you are talking to the Almighty in the antiquated language they often use, I suppose it is a bit difficult to talk simply to people in the pews.''
The Plain Language Commission, which is based in Derbyshire, runs numerous courses on the use of English as well as researching dialects.
It also criticised the 800-page volume of documents presented at the General Assembly during its annual meeting in Edinburgh for being too long and bogged down in ''church jargon''.
Yesterday the Church of Scotland refused to comment on the nomination, but the convener of the board of practice and procedure, Mrs Ann McCarter, promised a set of guidelines from the report would be published in simple language. And she hit out at criticism of the reports considered by the General Assembly. She said the volume of reports was so large because print was bigger.
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