The world awaits. With bated breath, nay palpitating intensity, we sweat out the seconds in pop limbo. We cannot bear it. Will they or won't they? Is our planet to be one pop phenomenon richer or poorer? To rejoice or commiserate? Five fickle floozies who have wrung every penny out of their allotted Warholian 15 minutes, or the exuberant Fab Five who energised and introduced girl power to the decade? (Tick the most applicable emotion according to your personal stance). The Spice Girls gossip train has reached fever pitch. And now legal advice is is being taken.
With the world roughly divided into the love-versus-hate camps, the media-driven anti-Spice campaign has reached crescendo point. The news that Geri Halliwell (Ginger Spice) failed to perform with the rest of the gals for a second night in a row precipitated a ringing out of the showbiz bells. One missed National Lottery gig, Thursday night's no-show at Oslo, and the flame-haired Geri is thought to have scarpered for good. Conflicting reports tell us that the 25-year-old walked out of the world tour after a ''blazing row'', while the remaining quartet insist that illness impedes the Union Jack-clad singer.
The magnetic pull towards the ''inevitable split'' has been on the pundits' cards ever since the Famous Five stormed the charts in the summer of 1996. Their debut single, Wannabe,
kick-started a wave of cynicism from the detractors as the grating anthem of ziggah zig-ahs! coloured a summer. Their unprecedented success rate shocked the critics. An unbroken run of seven number one singles and two multi-selling albums - a success rate on a par with The Beatles - elicited grudging acknowledgment. The kids loved them, style mag The Face devoted pages to their power rise, and even their recent concerts failed to incur the wrath of the dour blighters at NME Towers.
However, the Spicers' imminent downfall does not lie in their questionable services to the music industry - Celine Dion and Gary Barlow take that dishonour. It lies in their outright greed. In an obvious ''take the cash and dash'' scenario, the girls blew their pop credibility not by the act of embracing the sponsors, but with their blanket endorsement of every product imaginable. Soft drinks, crisps, deodorant, and lollipops. ''No product too small, no product too humiliating'' seems to have been the guiding dictum that spurred the girls' respective bank balances onwards and outwards.
Under cover of innocuous
pop-stardom, the five apparent air-heads - (''Thatcher was the first Spice Girl!'') - have not only milked the proverbial cow, but squeezed it dry and masticated on the bones. While still under the management of Simon Fuller, the five accrued literally
millions of pounds worth of sponsorship deals.
In a frenzy, the grinning, singing pop monkeys scuppered any chances of ''musical credibility'', realising that the fickle pop world could and
would vilify them as soon as reward them.
By the same token, the girls have to accept the repercussions of their greed. Frankly, the world is all spiced out. We gorged on their sweetness and spice and now we want to vomit.
On the assumption that a benevolent public will overcome their trip to the pop vomitarium, a life in the black hole of obscurity is to be avoided via the following career paths. If they take a leaf from the books of their male precursors Take That, a chequered future awaits. If the live reviews are to be believed then Mel B (Scary) and Mel C (Sporty) are the vocal talents. Solo careers beckon with hints that Sporty assumes the fleeting Mark Owen spot and Scary gets the Robbie Williams crazy hot darn' raaawck chick credibility. Expect front page splashes in credible inkies and The Face magazine. Victoria Adams (Posh) will, of course, marry Man U footballer David Beckham and retreat to an exclusive Notty Ash villa. Renouncing the music world as a turbulent den of iniquity, the personality-bypassed Adams may carve out a future career as an Avon Lady. Bubbly wee Emma Bunton (Baby) duetted with
wild man Rod Stewart on his recent TV audience, thus confirming that a Gary Barlow blandness lurks beneath her bunches. However, the sparky one shows small screen potential and a wacky kids' TV presenter role may emerge.
The most intriguing Spicer is, of course, Geri Halliwell. Of dubious age and dragging a tabloid past life as glamour model and Turkish game show host behind her, Halliwell is a lady of stature. The recognised mouthpiece of the band who assumed leadership when the five fired their manager, Simon Fuller, last year, the buxom singer exudes a no messin' Lady Thatcher attitude. A road to America as a chat show host on
a Iowa cable station is a
tangible option.
Until then, we here at Embittered Critics Anonymous hope it's a case of: ''So long, farewell, auf Wiedersehen, adieu to you and you and you and you and you . . .
''Gooodbyeeee!''
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