A World Cup prediction from Frank McAvennie: ''My heart says Scotland, my head says Brazil, but my nose says Colombia.''
This is not the real Frank McAvennie speaking but the ''Where's the burdz?'' TV persona as portrayed by Jonathon Watson in Only an Excuse?
A France 98 version of the football satire will be broadcast as part of the BBC Scotland on the Monday night before the Scotland-Brazil game. The usual cast of characters has been assembled. The Denis Law caricature, famous in this programme, for his profundity of thought, actually comes up with an eternal truth about Scotland-Brazil matches. It's so unfair, he says, that they're allowed to have so many Brazilians in their team.
A newcomer to the dramatis personae of Only an Excuse? is Tosh Mackinlay. He is obviously delighted to have been plucked from a rapidly enveloping obscurity to be in the Scotland squad. ''It is not just an honour for myself,'' he says, ''It is an honour for my club - Celtic reserves.''
q The Tartan Navy, a concept born in 1978 with those rumours of a submarine voyage to Argentina, became a reality when the good ship the Friendly Isle docked in Glasgow yesterday on its way to France 98. The skipper is Oban fisherman Alasdair More Steam McPhail who was engineer on the legendary Park Bar Scotland supporters bus.
Someone said Alasdair's Tartan Navy is simply the Park Bar bus afloat. I do not recall the Park Bar bus being anything but afloat. By sheer chance a drinks company, Bilgewater Gin, is a sponsor of the Tartan Navy.
Ken Grant, co-skipper of the Friendly Isle launched Bilgewater as a protest against the trend by big distillers to produce ever weaker brands of gin. Bilgewater is 43% and is blended to Ken's own specification in Invergordon. The good news is there will be many bottles of Bilgewater as prizes in this World Cup column.
q Reader Gordon Black believes one reason for Brazil's success over the years, apart from the fact that they are simply better than everyone else, is that their players have great names.
If we can't match them in sheer skill we can at least make an effort on the name front. He urges Craig Brown to field the following team on Wednesday: Bandio, Boydio, Mattellio, Carlos Hendry, Calderado, Johnco, Toothtao, Paulo Lamberto, Kevincha, Durzinho, Bebootho. Substitutes would include Gemmillson (Archie's boy) and Didi (pick your own).
q E-mail tshields@cims.co.uk.
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