The Scottish branch of the British Association of Shopping Centres held

a luncheon in Glasgow last week.

(No, hold on, we're just setting the scene here.)

An English chap is charged with the task of saying grace. He delivers the following:

Some have food and cannot eat it,

Some have no food but want it.

But we have food and we can eat,

So, thank the Lord.

This rather unusual version of the Selkirk Grace evinced something of a stunned reaction from the Scots at the lunch and, indeed, from non-Scots who were familiar with Robert Burns's

original version.

The English chap explained that he wanted to say a genuine Scottish grace but didn't feel he could do the accent justice. Hence the ethnic linguistic expurgation.

If only we had a gift to see ourselves as other people see us, as the Bard so memorably put it.

Turnberry Hotel was the location recently for the Bildenberg Conference, a gathering of international figures including Henry Kissinger, King Gustav, Princess Beatrix, Kenneth

Clark, William Hague, Lord Carrington, and many more royals and politicians from numerous countries.

Security was, of course, tight. The bodyguards, minders, and other varieties of staff were housed in the Malin Court across the road from the great hotel.

One of the great and good at the conference, a member of the Rockefeller dynasty, had occasion to contact his bodyguard. Now the Rockefellers may be one of the wealthiest families in the world but the name meant little to Sheryl McFarlane, the

19-year-old Ayrshire lassie at the Malin Court reception.

Sheryl, as she has been trained, politely asked who was calling so she could pass on the call to the appropriate room. ''It's Rockefeller,'' was the reply. Not understanding his thick American accent, Sheryl asked: ''What's Rockefeller?''

''I am. I'm Rockefeller,'' the conversation continued. After a few more ''Rockefeller'' exchanges, Sheryl asked the caller if he would kindly spell out his name. He did so and contact was finally made.

The bodyguard, to whom Rockefeller related the tale, was most impressed with Sheryl and her ability to bring a Rockefeller down to earth

These may be troubled times at North Lanarkshire Council with a

#4m deficit in its accounts. But help will soon be at hand and in-house as well. The council has just advertised to recruit a debt counsellor.

The scene is a Glasgow city centre pub, whose clientele tends to cater for the more mature, not to say elderly, client. A young female

student enters the pub and orders a drink.

The barmaid, a lady of a certain age, is astonished and says: ''How do you know that?'' The student is confused and asks: ''How did I know what?'' ''That I've got two dogs.'' the barlady replies.

The student explains that when she asked ''Do you have Two Dogs?'' she was inquiring if the pub stocked a certain brand of alcopop.

An allegedly true story from Australia about a scam over which the local polis are having trouble getting a prosecution.

A company takes out a newspaper advertisement claiming to be able

to supply imported hard-core pornographic videos. People place orders and make payments by cheque. After several weeks, the company writes back explaining that under the existing laws it is unable to supply the materials.

It returns the customers' money in the form of a company cheque. But not many people present the cheques to their banks since they bear the name ''The Anal Sex and Fetish Perversion Company''.