AND it's over live to the stadium for an update on the Battle of Blands.

''Yes, and welcome to Ibrox Park where it is very much a game of two halves. Well, three halves if you count the big bit at the end when both sides got together for a goalmouth stramash.''

So what's the score then?

''Well, the two teams emerge from the tunnel

and played softball together early doors - you sing one of my ballads, I'll sing one

of yours, then we'll sing

one together.

''After that it was down to Billy, the boy from New York, a class act who thrilled the crowd with some deft touches scoring a belter with a scorching We Didn't Start the Fire. Only once did he miss and hit the crossbar, and that was with a dismal Just The Way You Are.''

And the second half?

''Very different. If Billy was your solid but stylish attacking formation - your Italians or your French - the Elton was more your South American glamour side . . . flamboyant, colourful, and, em, gay. Comparisons are odious, so let's make them. Elton John scored a points win. His set was better paced and he worked his audience perfectly, particularly when he stole Joel's Uptown Girl.''