What exquisite timing for the Association of Direct Labour Organisations to have their AGM followed by buffet and entertainment in the Motherwell civic centre. Yes, Motherwell, home of the North Lanarkshire Council, whose very own DLO has the huge deficit.
The ADLO boys then proceeded to their annual conference at the Concert Hall in Glasgow where among the issues to be debated was: ''What future for bonus and incentives?'' Quite a bright future, apparently, if you are a North Lanarkshire plumber on #54,000 a year.
There is a rather jolly ship currently docked in the River Clyde at Lancefield Quay. The Fitzcarraldo is a former ferry that has been converted into a floating repertory theatre.
The company is called Walk the Plank and they are doing Gulliver's Travels. Denis Herdman, the chap who plays Gulliver, had occasion to attend the Western Infirmary casualty department after he took a wee tumble on the quayside cobblestones. During his treatment for a sprained ankle he was telling the nurses about the theatre boat. The nurses equipped him with a crutch to help him get about. But, being Glasgow nurses, they thought that a sea-going actor with a crutch would not be complete without an eye-patch which they duly supplied. ''You'll have to get your own parrot,'' they told him.
From the politically incorrect zone of the Internet:
n Why doesn't Mexico have an Olympic team? Because everybody who can run, jump, and swim is already in the US.
n How do you make five pounds of fat look good? Put a nipple on it.
n If your wife keeps coming out of the kitchen to nag you, what have you done wrong? Made her chain too long.
Our mention of genuine,
down-to-earth cafes - as opposed to smart places mentioned in Roy Ackerman's Cafes of Europe guide - has Iain Bell in reminiscence mode by e-mail from Melbourne, Australia. ''Could you get in touch with Roy Ackerman and put him wise to the plain but excellent fare of Cafe Pia in High Street, Lochwinnoch. It's been over 10 years since I last enjoyed the culinary delights of the Pia family. On a cold winter's day, after a walk at Castle Semple Loch, there was no better way to recharge the body's batteries than with a fried egg on a roll and a cup of hot tea.''
An advertising leaflet for a debt collection company reaches our desk. ''Are you owed money? Do you feel robbed? Are you angry enough to send my team of collectors around to the debtor's premises? Don't worry, we don't break the law but we get results.''
To hammer home the message, the company's logo is a clenched fist. The firm, Critical Input, is based in Liverpool.
Voltaire and Rousseau, the second-hand bookshop in Otago Lane, Glasgow, had an unusual visitor this week in the person of Ian Paisley. A witness to the visit said: ''He and his four Special Branch minders came marching down the lane - all in suits. It was just like Reservoir Dogs.'' In this scenario there would, of course, be only one Dr Orange. Dr Paisley browsed in the theology section before purchasing a book titled An Exposition of the Epistle to the Romans which was published in 1968. The author? One Ian Paisley. He wrote it while in prison for refusing to be bound over to keep the peace during the Troubles. The unsigned copies are apparently pretty rare.
n We return to the theme of public figures who allegedly resemble characters in The Simpsons. You may recall the comparison of the Blessed Fergus McCann with the megolomaniac Mr Burns from the cartoon series The Simpsons. Alistair Vosper of London is in touch to point out what he believes to be an uncanny resemblance between The Simpsons' resident Scotsman, Groundskeeper Willie, and Foreign Secretary Robin Cook. The Diary Assistant found an Internet site devoted to Willie. Among the collected sayings of Willie are a few which might well have come from the lips of Mr Cook:
n ''If elected Mayor, my first act would be to kill the whole lot of ya!''
n ''There's nary an animal alive that can outrun a greased Scotsman.''
n ''My God, man, I've watered it down as far as it will go. I cannot water it anymore.'' (Perhaps a reference to old socialism and New Labour.)
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