problems problems

We stay in lovely country house hotels,

but apart from the evenings we spend our

time apart.

Even then, while wanting to be with me, he doesn't want to be sociable with other guests. He has a very pressurised job, and spends a lot of time in meetings and dealing with people, and he says he love to get away from all that and have peace. I have a part-time job, but enjoy meeting people.

I love the sunshine and would really enjoy a holiday in the Mediterranean, but he hates the idea.

It wasn't so bad when the children came with us. I was kept busy with them, and my husband only fished for a part of the day at that time, but now it is no real holiday

for me.

When he gets back in the evening we spend most of the time arguing, and it ruins the holiday for both of us.

We discuss this every year, and every year I give in, but I am really not very happy about it, and feel it is my chance now to have a say in what we do. Do you have any persuasive ploys to suggest, which might work?

A S, Dunblane

I think you have been very patient. Have you thought about having separate holidays, where he can fish and you can enjoy the sunshine?

If you had one separate holiday and could afford a second one together, perhaps a compromise, but with no fishing, it might solve your holiday problems, and ensure your married harmony continues.

When I started this new job three months ago, I believed it was an exciting step forward for me and my career. I was taking on the job of Business Development Manager, and at the interview I was told by the directors that I would be involved in strategic planning, and have a team of people to work for me on the sales and marketing side.

The promise was that my team would be put together by myself when I started, as the company was planning to expand into new areas of business. But the promises have not become reality.

When I began, my staff consisted of a typist, and job experience youngster. I then asked about recruiting sales and marketing staff, and the procrastination began. It started with excuses, about time pressures, not being able to interview prospective candidates because of other business commitments, the need for the completion of the business strategy plan in order to know what staff would be required.

I have long since drawn up the strategy plan, and it has moved from director to director, with them always promising to look at it as soon as they have a minute. I have offered to draw up the adverts myself, and do the initial interviews, a responsibility I would expect to handle, but been told I must wait until the directors have met and discussed their requirements.

In the meantime, I have been given the mundane tasks of making up mailing lists, cold call telephone sales and going out to visit prospective companies. This is work which I did at the beginning of my career, and I am becoming increasingly frustrated and angry.

I wonder now whether I have been taken on under false pretenses, or if the job has any future. I don't know whether to stay or start looking for something else.

My main concern is that it would not look very good if I was looking for another job to have to explain that I had stayed for very little time in my present post. What would you suggest would be the best way to handle the situation?

K McB, Troon

The first step would be to decide if there is any life left in your present job. What was agreed in your contract of employment? If promises were made and have not been kept then you have every good reason to complain.

Has the company's circumstances changed since you were accepted for the job? Did they really know what they wanted from you when they employed you, or was it simply the idea of having a Business Development Manager which appealed to them? It is a title which can cover a multitude of sins, from a senior strategic position to sales person.

Try to fix a firm date for a meeting with the directors, and if you are unable to get a satisfactory answer to your questions, I would suggest you begin looking for something else.

There is no shame in leaving a job which isn't working out, but it is important you make the situation clear in your covering letter of application, without being critical of the company you are leaving, but merely explaining the situation. If you have lost faith in the organisation you are working for, then a move sounds like the solution.

I read your letter from IF, Castle Douglas [April 25] who is searching for her birth mother. It might help her if she reads this letter which explains what happened when I searched for my family.

I decided to look at my birth certificate first of all (by that I mean my original birth certificate) and to do this I phoned New Register House in Edinburgh and made an appointment to go to Edinburgh to look at it. If you do decide to see your certificate remember you will appear on it under another name, the name your birth mother gave you.

I did not realise this and I found it quite ''mind-boggling'' for want of a better expression! It feels as though you have another identity, as though you don't really know yourself. Your husband is right to counsel caution as what happens from that moment on can affect you quite dramatically and only you know if you can cope with it. However, I can fully understand the desire you have to trace your roots and fill in the black hole of your past.

The next document they will offer you at New Register House is your Court Process Papers. These may just be legal documents, or they may contain a letter from your birth mother to you or letters from your original family to lawyers, social workers etc and contain many upsetting details your your mother's situation and perhaps your medical condition when you were tiny. They may also tell you whether you have any brothers or sisters. I found from mine that I had an elder brother who was not being put up for adoption and a report on my adoptive parents as to their fitness to be parents, their wages, condition of their house, and preparations they had made to accept a child.

You will now have enough information to search for the following information all available at New Register House:

n Death certificate of your birth mother. Remember she may no longer be alive.

n Marriage certificate(s) your birth mother.

n Birth certificates of any children she had. This will show you how many brothers and sisters you have, although some may be half brothers and sisters.

n Marriage certificates for siblings.

n Death certificates of siblings.

n Birth certificates of nephews and nieces.

You can do all of this yourself, although it is time-consuming. I hired a private detective to search and he charged me #200. I did that because I wanted to distance myself from anything he found that might upset me.

Also, I would have taken much longer to find out all of the information. He also went to visit my mother to ensure he had the right person and to report back to me what she looked like. He talked to her on the pretext of looking for someone else. He was actually supposed to get photographs of her but found that too difficult because she lives in a quiet street.

I wrote to my mother at this point really just telling her that I was well and had had a good life. I just hoped she would write a letter back to me, but I was expecting no more contact than that.

You can imagine how disappointed I was to receive a letter not from her, but from her friend. It was a nice letter but basically said my mother was married to a man who knew nothing about me as she was obviously too scared to tell him and therefore she didn't want to hear from me again.

Be warned you are opening yourself up to this sort of second rejection if you go ahead with your search.

At this point I found out I had a younger sister who was adopted. So because my mother had kept my existence a secret, I decided I could not search for my brother but my sister was in the same situation as myself and might have been looking for me. So I decided to look for her.

I asked the social work department to help me in my search as they have a department that deal with adopted people. However, I had waited for 40 years before searching and the information social work had on my sister was very out of date so she didn't hold out much hope.

Because of this I decided to try a long shot and wrote a letter to the Can You Help Me? section of a newspaper asking my sister to get in touch. Amazingly, she saw the letter and we have been in touch ever since. We are quite close now and it's wonderful to have a sister after being brought up as an only child.

Since then my mother's friend arranged a meeting between us and you could have knocked me down with a feather when she appeared with her husband. She had found the courage to tell him and luckily he fully supported her.

Not only have I got a sister but also brothers! I have met two of my brothers and have spoken to another on the phone and we get on well. My mother and I meet and talk on the phone quite often and get on very well. We also look like each other and this is nice to have a family member I look like. All of this has ended very successfully for me but if you go ahead I would recommend that you tell your adoptive parents what you have found after you see your birth certificate and Process Papers.

My parents were dead so I didn't have to do this. However, my sister has had a hard time from her adoptive parents and they know that I looked for her. She feels that she could never tell them that she has met her birth mother and brothers and this only leads to a lot of difficulties. Be honest with your family even though it will be difficult. My recommendation to you would be, if you can't tell, don't go ahead.

name and address supplied

Having read with interest your letter to the air hostess who, at thirtysomething, wanted to look for a new career [April 4], may I suggest she consider university? It's never too late. I speak as a fortysomething who lost his spouse some time ago and is now happily established as a student of history.

Yours academically

I H, Glasgow

l Do you have a problem with World Cup '98? Does the prospect of no fewer than 63 games being beamed into your home, written about in newspapers and talked about non-stop every day for six weeks fill you with dread? Who will hog the television and radio in your home? What what it will mean for your love life, your family life, your own state of mind? We'd like to hear what your problems are - and how you intend to solve them. Write to me at the usual address.

Readers may be interested to hear that The Herald is launching a brand new football-free magazine for all those men and women who want a break from the beautiful game. The first issue of ffm will come free with your Herald from June 4

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