THE Scottish Tories are back this week. You remember us - we were the wicked ones whose fault it always was, who were the Government party for ages and ages, the lot you used to threaten the children with if they didn't stop making rude faces. ''If you don't stop that you will be turned into a Conservative,'' was the cry.

A year past May, most of our leaders were Gazza-ed, so to speak. At least any that the electorate could get their mitts on. Michael swept off the pitch swearing he was going away to earn lots of dough, George just picked up the ball and left, while even poor Malcolm, a grand master compared to the present Foreign Secretary, has been forced to sit on the subs' bench waiting for another chance to shine.

In exchange you selected the New Labour side, full of bounce, bonhomie, and, as it turned out, bullshit. North of the Border only the SNP has cause to love this Government which has been exposed as having more comic singers than the old Glasgow Empire. The words ''Labour'', ''lousy'', and ''local government'' have a ring of truth,

strung together.

There are, I know, for they have said so publicly, folk who regret deeply placing their trust in the miscalled People's Party. Yet in the polls and other expressions of intent not a multitude of Scots have so far indicated that they are keen to have the old team back. We Scottish Tories have tried. There has been a fundamental review of the democratic rights of our members who will actually be consulted, not just fleeced in future. There has been an acceptance, a bit grudging in some quarters, that we cannot promise to abolish the Scottish Parliament which so many voted for. Instead

we are currently producing policies made in Scotland, something that

the Labour Party would forbid on pain of death. So, everyone will march off to the Scottish Tory party conference this week, in jaunty mood? Not exactly.

We are a Unionist party. That means the bulk of our members are in England, that our leader is William Hague, and that what happens at Westminster is still, in many Tory hearts, the most important factor. And our performance in Opposition there has made as great an impact on the nation as the annual general meeting of the WRI.

I quite like Mr Hague; he is a clever, amusing chap who manages on occasion to wipe the irritating smile from the face of the PM. He has a pretty wife of whom we have seen too little of late; he is of the right generation. Yet in policy direction, and even more in his selections, the leader disappoints me.

We are, every political assessor has judged, moving to the right as a party. May one inquire why? Are there really thousands of votes to be won by yanking the party towards a blat-antly anti-European stance in insisting that a single currency is the root of all evil and that the pound must be defended to the last by-election?

Even if this is a popular policy in England, which I doubt, it wins few recruits in my neighbourhood. And how are we to position ourselves right of the present Government on the subject of law and order? Longer sentences, more prisons, hanging? I want a Tory party which cares about civil liberties, which wants to make public services better, which is determined to improve public education, which commits to the NHS. Because these, Mr Hague, are the real issues in Scotland.

I look at some of the people you have chosen for the Shadow Cabinet and I shudder. Ann Widdecombe is not tomorrow, Sir Norman Fowler is long past his sell-by date, Michael Ancram is hardly a typical man in the street.

You have appointed Dr Liam Fox as the party's constitutional spokes-man. The good doctor has already laid out his stall and it is obvious that his preference is for the status quo. First-past-the-post elections provide ''stability'' he tells us. They also provide Labour local authorities with the opportunity to ride roughshod over the wishes of the vast majority of the people. Stalin provided stability. It would be wrong, according

to Dr Fox, to pander to the SNP by holding a referendum on independence. How Alex Salmond must have smiled when he read that. The Nats don't really want a vote on it, Liam, for the simple reason that they would lose. No, no, they will be delighted to go on blaming London for everything.

How much smarter it would be to call their bluff, hold the referendum, and, with Labour's backing, agree that this will be the last test of opinion for a decade. But what do I know? I only live here.

The other day I was talking to the head of a major Scottish financial institution. ''It is not the English who give me trouble,'' he confided, ''it is the Scots who live in England but still believe they know how to run things up here.''

Oh, I know the feeling. That same chap, by the way, told me that were there to be an election tomorrow he, a life-long Tory, was not sure of how he would vote. I suspect he is far from alone, so I sincerely hope that he and his kind will be inspired by the conference.