IF YOU believe the label, using bath or shower gel (or foam or essence or ''soak'') is a sensation up there with sex, chocolate or winning a gold medal. Words like sensuous and stimulating abound. No wonder that ordinary old bars of soap, which sat demurely on their dishes and claimed only to get you clean, have been pushed down the plug hole of many bathrooms by these beguiling bottled alternatives.

Lever have decided to end soap-bar production entirely at their Port Sunlight works. Today, liquids and gels have an 80% share of the market, worth a bubbly #95m.

For those who like the solid fuel of soap, creamy moisturising bars have taken over, but it's the gels that sell, not so much because they help to get you clean but because, according to market research by Mintel, of their effect on your emotions. Can it really be true? Some companies stake their reputations on it. Radox, as well as just launching Vitality moisturising body wash, also do bath oils which cater to different states of mind. Boots' own ranges make all manner of cheeky claims. As for Lush, the Poole firm whose aromatic concoctions waft strong gusts of smell into Glasgow's Buchanan Street and Edinburgh's Princes Street, their descriptions defy you to remain unmoved. ''Uplifting, zesty, stimulating, healing . . .'' they've got it all.

Style guru Colin Lennox takes it all with a pinch of salt. He and Dani Carlaw are the impeccably trendy presenters of Scottish TV's The

F-Word, launched in its new prime-time spot on Tuesday evening. He agreed to dip into six sets of

scented bubbles to check out the claims on the bottles . . . but he had his doubts even before he started. ''I think most of the magic happens at the check-out. You read the blurb and you have high hopes.''

He's not a chap to be fobbed off with inferior goods. Part Italian, part Danish, part Scots, with glossy dark hair and a wicked sense of humour, he is wearing, when we meet first, trousers from a Christian Dior suit (bought second-hand) and a flawless white shirt from his tailor in Bangkok (''I e-mail him and he makes them up in different colours''). He has travelled widely for The F-Word and is fanatical about the cut and quality of clothes. He's also pretty fussy about what he bathes in, so how would he react to my samples?

In order to add a scientific note to the proceedings I asked for some input by Stuart Harvey, a retired senior lecturer in organic chemistry from Paisley University, known as ''The Scottish Soap Man'' because of his department's consultancy work in the field of household cleansing products.

n TE TAO Chinese Herbal Therapy anti-stress bath soap, 300ml #3.79

With lotus seed and something called bai shao, not to mention

Chinese rose, valerian and ginseng ''to turn your bath into a soothing restoring herbal experience'', it also, Harvey points out as he checks the ingredients, contains the more mundane stuff common to most of these preparations. ''Cocamide is a foam booster and stabiliser, sodium laureth sulphate is a mild detergent, sodium chloride is for thickening, benyl alcohol is a solvent - and so on.''

Whether the plant extracts work is more a matter of personal beliefs, he thinks. ''If you're into aromatherapy, you'll be into this.''

Lennox's verdict: ''I really liked this. Huge hits of flowers and herbs. Very relaxing and quite reviving. It smelled of the Orient - quite bizarre really.''

9 out of 10

n ORIGINAL Lemon Source Tea Tree and Lemon Shower Gel, 250ml #2.49.

''For the most refreshing and reviving shower experience you've ever had, to naturally cleanse hair and body,'' it says. Harvey commented: ''As well as the usual things it contains lactic acid. I'm not sure why. Shades of bathing in asses' milk? Perhaps for Ph control? Looking at the chemical ingredients in all of the samples I'm inclined to wonder why some of them are there. Most people read about the plant extracts only. The lemon gives a tingle factor and tea tree is supposed to be therapeutic. Lemon extract is also used in hard cleansers, of course.''

Lennox's verdict: ''Very, very lemony but not, thank goodness, in the way of washing-up liquid. Quite exhilarating - and butch enough for a guy to use with no qualms.''

8 out of 10

n RADOX Solutions with essential oils, 250ml #3.99.

''Tension?'' it asks on the label. ''Spring unwind, non-foaming juniper berry and eucalyptus bath and massage oil.''

This is a bit deceiving because you might take it from the shelf assuming it's a bubble bath - only to find it doesn't foam and it is VERY oily. Harvey noted that the main ingredient is actually liquid paraffin. Other contents may cleanse a little but mostly the idea is for the oils to soothe your tense muscles.

Lennox's verdict: ''Use only a very tiny amount. I overdid it and it really is oily. I felt I needed a shower to get rid of the oil - but it did say 'use sparingly'. Very rich, no bubbles. Good strong smell but not one that I personally like.''

6 out of 10

n BOOTS FRESH! Frightfully fruity shower gel-ly,

250ml #3.75

This is one of their cheeky, whimsical ones. It says ''massage onto wet skin for an explosion of rich moisturising foam. Jam-packed with extract of cranberries to invigorate and refresh. Delectable but not drinkable!''

Harvey said: ''The usual stabilisers, including one commonly used as an industrial stabiliser for latexes - coating the backs of carpets! The usual acids and solvents. The perfume and oil might have a physiological effect, I suppose.''

Lennox's verdict: ''Very rich, unbelievably smelly and the fruit-pudding smell wouldn't go away. Lathered into really creamy foam. Great if you like fruit but not very macho.

7 out of 10

n LUSH Skinny Dip,

100g #2.35

It says ''wonderfully rich and creamy . . . with moisturising cocoa butter chips and white chocolate, crammed with essential oils''. Harvey found it an odd mixture of ingredients, chocolate side-by-side with stabiliser. ''You feel everything's just chucked in, in a kind of slapdash way. I hope they know what they're doing. Chocolate indeed!''

Lennox's verdict: ''Smelled like an old sweetie that had been stuck for a long time to the lining of your granny's coat. I don't like the idea of chocolate in my bath water and although it left my skin soft it also felt slightly irritated.''

3 out of 10

n BOOTS Aromatherapy Foaming Bath Essence - ylang ylang and sandalwood, 400ml #2.29

''Sensuous'' is the claim on the label. The ingredients listed are all the usual ones plus castor oil. The essential oils aren't included but we have to assume they are there. The numbers at the end, in all the samples, says Harvey, relate to coloured dyes. ''Otherwise they are all mostly detergents with foam stabilisers, perfume and preservatives. In the case of more expensive brands, it's the perfume you pay for.''

Lennox's verdict: ''No, not for me. The smell was like talcum powder for a maiden aunt. Nothing

special here. Sensuous? Didn't do anything for me, I can assure you.''

5 out of 10.