DRIZZLY Monday morning, September 2002: am convinced that - for once - undercrowded carriage of commuter train to Edinburgh could double as the set of Top of the Pops 2.
Fifteen minutes into journey and have heard mobile phones chiming introductions to at least six different Yuppie classics, with worryingly pronounced skew towards works of ABC and A-Ha. Own phone provides useful (but probably unappreciated) counterbalance by blasting out The Clash's I Fought the Law, indicating arrival of e-mail marked urgent from employer.
The boss is stuck on 19 Down in Herald online crossword (WAP-enabling technology produced by Digital Bridges of Dalgety Bay.) Reply with URL for search engine and note of emotional support.
First stop marks arrival of pinstriped salaryman toting mammoth laptop while arguing through headset with unknown colleague. Jargon-laden replies to unseen interrogator accompanied by cruelly barked instructions to on-screen digital assistant (Sally the Secretary, produced by Lanarkshire's Digital Animations, voice-recognition royalties payable to University of Edinburgh.)
Begin to feel irrational sense of pity for digital assistant when own phone begins chiming Randy Newman's It's Money That Matters, indicating call from a business line. Call is from computerised operator at Glasgow's Allhotels.com, offering highly reduced rate for accommodation in Salzburg, which wife has indicated desire to visit for reasons not recalled.
Spring into action. Instruct Allhotels' computer to hold offer for half-hour. Call up bank account balance on mobile phone (WAP banking from bank itself, security SIM card enabling user authentication from Edinburgh's MobEcom) and despair at size of balance. Find sufficient moral courage to plead for overdraft extension.
Switch call to PDA (personal digital assistant), activate camera and am put through to sympathetic account handler at bank's call centre. Screen resolution insufficient to decide if account handler real human being or well-tutored sim. Make weak joke about weather as test. Given undeserved smile. Decide no human could be so polite at such an early hour. Successfully plead for more debt.
Instantly call back Allhotels to confirm booking. Icon lights on PDA indicating arrival of reservation details, map to hotel, touristy bumpf, and suggestions for flights, cars and restaurants. Am also rewarded with #50 e-cash and accompanying list of places to spend it (cybercash system by Edinburgh's Intertrader.)
Blow entire amount on upgrading bandwidth plan for PDA. Will now be able to view entire films while commuting - vast improvement on current impoverished diet of television (bandwidth-based pricing from Thus, films on demand from STV Mobile.) Contemplate how best to word expenses claim for newly bit-hungry PDA.
Restyled Majordomo pops up on PDA to remind Sir that only half an hour of commuting time remains and would Sir now care to schedule unresolved domestic tasks. Take unwholesome pleasure from recent decision to reset Majordomo to ''Most Servile''. Instruct program to interrogate wife's schedule and arrange all deliveries for her next free hour at home.
Sneak looks over both
shoulders before indulging in
latest vice. Switch PDA to program marked ''ROI projection correction stats'' - suitably misdirective cover for ''McMonarch!'', the Scotland-based multiplayer sim currently occupying all free time (McMonarch created by Glasgow's Red Lemon Studios, multiplayer sites hosted by Edinburgh's Scolocate.) Note with satisfaction that cunning plan to redeploy Sweetheart Abbey as an armoury has gone undetected and review troop deployments for upcoming attack on Clan Kowalski's Hawick stronghold.
Defer launch of attack until quiet period can be found at office. Wish to view on high resolution screen to obtain full benefits of splatter effects.
Morning newsbot interrupts self-congratulation for tactical genius. Four newspaper articles, 11 web articles, two TV clips and three radio interviews have been found which match professional interests. Nothing has been found in personal searches (my name, wife's name, Queen of the South.)
Forward writing and radio to office system with instructions to print former, watch TV interviews - all apparently about German interest in acquiring obscure Inverness-based software development company (voice-to-voice online translation by Edinburgh's European in Scotland.)
Last clip followed by mobile sounding Lyle Lovett's She's No Lady, indicating call from beloved wife. Object of devotion has been asked - on no notice - to deliver talk on Why Scotland Has Failed to Compete in Digital Economy.
Offer usual suspects: lack of infrastructure, entrepreneurship, investment; small size of captive market; brain drain to Scandinavia/America/London; national inferiority complex; low number of early adopters.
Agitated spouse asks why other countries have overcome such difficulties. Explain English economic overhang, finance community's ability to overbid for talent, local entrepreneurial preference for lifestyle businesses.
Am told I represent the worst of reactionary establishment views and must buck up ideas. Restore peace by asserting that Scotland's lack of interest in new economy is very bad thing, indeed.
Why are you making commenting on The Herald only available to subscribers?
It should have been a safe space for informed debate, somewhere for readers to discuss issues around the biggest stories of the day, but all too often the below the line comments on most websites have become bogged down by off-topic discussions and abuse.
heraldscotland.com is tackling this problem by allowing only subscribers to comment.
We are doing this to improve the experience for our loyal readers and we believe it will reduce the ability of trolls and troublemakers, who occasionally find their way onto our site, to abuse our journalists and readers. We also hope it will help the comments section fulfil its promise as a part of Scotland's conversation with itself.
We are lucky at The Herald. We are read by an informed, educated readership who can add their knowledge and insights to our stories.
That is invaluable.
We are making the subscriber-only change to support our valued readers, who tell us they don't want the site cluttered up with irrelevant comments, untruths and abuse.
In the past, the journalist’s job was to collect and distribute information to the audience. Technology means that readers can shape a discussion. We look forward to hearing from you on heraldscotland.com
Comments & Moderation
Readers’ comments: You are personally liable for the content of any comments you upload to this website, so please act responsibly. We do not pre-moderate or monitor readers’ comments appearing on our websites, but we do post-moderate in response to complaints we receive or otherwise when a potential problem comes to our attention. You can make a complaint by using the ‘report this post’ link . We may then apply our discretion under the user terms to amend or delete comments.
Post moderation is undertaken full-time 9am-6pm on weekdays, and on a part-time basis outwith those hours.
Read the rules hereComments are closed on this article