A chorus of disapproval for cute kids

Don't get me wrong. I'm not talking about Nessie. She's a myth I can live with. More monstrous by far is the kiddie playing Cupid plot-line with young Scottish actress Kirsty Graham trying to hook mum Joely Richardson up with the American Ted Danson. Over the past few years Hollywood has been going gaga for mini-matchmaker story lines. It started with Sleepless in Seattle, with a sickeningly sweet and sensitive eight-year-old, Jonah, fixing widower dad, Tom Hanks, up with Meg Ryan. It's been spiralling out of control ever since.

Next came Corrina Corrina where Molly, a moody, but misunderstood little miss, craftily insinuated a romance between hunky widower dad Ray Liotta and mad-cap nanny Whoopi Goldberg - ``She's not exactly what they'd expected but they're finding out that's exactly what they need.''

Goldberg and Liotta getting it together was a pretty implausible match but one easily topped by the plot of Milk Money. Here a nauseatingly cute - why do Hollywood brats never have the sulks and temper tantrums which are the favourite state of most children - little boy with a grown-up name, Frank, throws the archetypal hooker-with-heart, Melanie Griffith, at his - yep, you've guessed it - widower dad (Ed Harris as an improbably boffinish botanist).

Frank is so desperate for Melanie to be his new mom that his dad obligingly overlooks her sordid past, showing a level of tolerance unknown to most men who tend to twitch at the lips at the nearest mention of past boyfriends.

From the simpering frolics of Shirley Temple, to the ingenious, crime-crunching antics of Macauley Caulkin, Hollywood has habitually presented an unrealistic view of children, marketing them as simultaneously worldly wise, yet cute as a button. But this packaging of kiddie Cupids has got to be the most warped vision yet. Films such as Loch Ness, Sleepless in Seattle, Corrina Corrina, and Milk Money posit kids like Kirsty, Jonah, Molly, and Frank as junior King Solomons, skilfully adjudicating over hearts and spotting the perfect partner for their parents.

The parents typically resist this at first but always yield to their little darlings' superior wisdom. The message is that the kids know best.

This is such rot. When it comes to in-depth descriptions of Power Rangers kids know best. When it comes to romance kids know diddly. I'd sooner trust a six-year-old to play with matches than I would trust him or her to pick my future spouse. After all, the notion that children's affections are not easily won is a notion exploded by a bag of money and a sack of sweets. Children are bribed as easily as an Italian politician. Merely wave a Game Boy in front of them and they will not only gladly give their blessing for a marriage with their father, they'll gladly sell you their grandmother, too. This is the reason children do not make good relationship counsellors. This is the reason Date Line does not recruit its staff from playgrounds. Parents should pay attention to their offspring's predilections for lovers at their peril.

Just look what happened to Christopher Plummer in The Sound of Music. Boy, did he louse up. He succumbed to his children's choice and ended up chucking over the glamorous contessa for the dull-as-dishwater Julie Andrews. Wrong move. Maria might be pretty good at sucking up to the kids and knocking up puppet shows but you can bet the sultry contessa would have been ace at sucking up to Von Trapp and would have knocked spots off the virginal Maria in the sack.

She might have been a lousy stepmother but so what, she probably played a mean game of bridge. But Von Trapp listened to his brats and was doomed to a lifetime of listening to Maria breaking into song everytime she so much as brushed her teeth.

Children are not equipped to make these decisions. They don't appreciate the subtleties of romance like sheer animal lust. They don't understand sexual chemistry and they fail to see the importance of essential criteria like the common bond of a shared passion for the back catalogue of a Flock of Seagulls. Such nuances are lost on them.

Children are not sweet and sensitive, like Jonah, or insightful, like Frank. They are selfish and shallow. Believe me, I know. I was one of them. They dish out gold stars for the most superficial qualities. Molly loves Corrina because the nanny lets her skip school. Letting children skip school is one surefire way of inveigling yourself into the affections but perhaps indicates a degree of moral lassitude which does not bode well for a future marriage partner. Frank's enthusiasm for the hooker in Milk Money is simple: ``She watches cartoons, likes ice cream, and fits into mom's clothes.'' As character analysis goes it's not the deepest.

Loosen up, single parents out there. Do not fall for this Hollywood guff. Do not allow your kids to vet your partners. Do not let the interfering little brats muck up your life. It will not have a happy ending atop the Empire State building. Life is not like the movies. You don't want to share your future with someone who watches cartoons and likes ice cream.

Children's perceptions cannot be trusted as they can find the most repulsive people attractive. This is easily proved. Try this simple test. Who did you want to marry when you were eight years old? Exactly. You would no doubt now rather cut your legs off than walk down the aisle with Donnie Osmond or Valerie Singleton. I fancied Noel Edmonds. Need I say more? Take the bows and arrows away from these kiddie Cupids now. When it comes to romance children should definitely be seen and not heard.