There's the rub
WE told you of the surgeon who failed to recognise football internationalist and television presenter Pat Nevin. Now we hear from a Glasgow lady who was having a luxury weekend at Stobo Castle. Her masseuse was telling her that she was giving a blond chap a back massage and noticed he had real knots in his shoulder muscles. ''Do you play a lot of tennis?'' she asked.
''No, I'm a golfer,'' replied top pro Greg Norman.
Much the same fate befell movie star Michael Douglas after his wedding to Catherine Zeta Jones, above, when he, too, was having a massage while staying there. He asked if he could book his wife in for some treatment. ''Of course,'' said the masseuse. ''What's her name?''
Losing the place
COMEDIAN Tom O'Connor tried to endear himself to the guests at a business dinner in Lanarkshire by cracking jokes about England's recent football game against Macedonia, and cheerfully pointed out that most of the England team didn't even know where Macedonia was. ''Anyway,'' continued Tom, ''it's great to be back here in Glasgow.''
After the sixth mention of
being back in Glasgow, his Lanarkshire hosts pointedly set him straight on where he actually was. As one of the diners said:
''It's well seeing O'Connor used to be a maths teacher and not a geography one.''
l Sign of the times. At a Brownie pack in Lenzie, the leaders are organising the Hallowe'en night, and they check with the children that they can eat doughnuts which will be hanging from a string instead of the messy, but more traditional, treacle buns. But one little poppet piped up: ''I would prefer a croissant, please.''
Pregnant pause
RADIO 5 Live is discussing the embryo implantation mix-up and the presenter raises the spectre of such mistakes happening elsewhere. The spokeswoman he
was quizzing told him: ''You'll
be putting the willies up all
the women who are currently receiving IVF treatment.'' Or perhaps not.
l We read the biography of
John Leslie put out by his
agent. It tells us: ''Other
television credits include Was It Good For You? for Channel 5.''
Oh dear.
Taken for a ride
A CHAP in a Glasgow pub is telling his pals: ''When my cab arrived I almost phoned the firm back to check it was really from them. You cannae be too careful these days. Whoever heard of a private-hire taxi driver turning up clean-shaven, no tracky bottoms, and not wearing a baseball cap.''
l We mentioned the vandalism of signs to make them read something entirely different. Mike Blenkharn recalls in Yorkshire the sign Beverely Swimming Pool having various letters removed until it posed the question Ever Swim In Poo.
What a carry-on
RAY MacFarlane, the new boss of Scottish Screen, has revealed her own involvement in the film industry. The former managing director at Scottish Enterprise,
was once, in her student days, an usherette at the Odeon in Glasgow. Her claim to fame was taking the ticket of Kenny Dalglish, but alas is unsure what the former Celtic and Scotland star went to see. A Carry On film, perhaps, she thinks, and, no, soft-porn fans, it wasn't Debbie Does Hugh Dallas.
l Junior defence minister Lewis Moonie, a Scots MP, was telling opposition MPs quizzing him about the forces' readiness to step into a firefighters' dispute, that the armed forces has ''331 leaning apparatus rescue teams''. Em, is that not ladders?
Capital show
WE don't know if the BBC cameraman was trying to make a point, but filming a lady of the night in Edinburgh for the evening news in which safe zones for prostitutes was being discussed, the camera chap zoomed back from the lady to reveal she was standing below a sign advertising plant hire company Speedy Hire.
Dry run
A RECENT bank robbery in Anstruther reminded locals of the last time criminals struck at the town's banking system a few years ago. The hapless thieves planned their daring raid by approaching the town by boat, which they tied up in the harbour before carrying out a recce on the bank. By the time they finally charged in demanding money, the tide had gone out, leaving their getaway boat stuck high and dry.
l A Zen philosopher has evidently been at work on Glasgow Airport's car park ticket machines. The electronic devices have illuminated displays which routinely state ''Change is available''. Now, though, one offers motorists an altogether more gnomic message: ''Change is possible.''
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