EVERYTHING was set for the new minister coming to St Twits. The

vacancy committee had appointed their sole nominee Rev. B. Wrong and he

had received the votes of the congregation. He was an academic they

said. More than three degrees. The call had been signed by a good number

of the congregation and had gone to the presbytery for approval. These

things usually went through on the nod. But this time it was different.

Up got a retired professor who had taught Mr Wrong and asked where he

had got his B.D. degree. ''Oh no, he didn't,'' said Professor Good. ''I

taught him and I know he took one more year than normal on the modified

non-graduating course, and as for these other two degrees, they were of

the correspondence variety from dubious transatlantic institutions.''

Was this not also the same young man who had been refused his

certificate after a poor showing as an assistant minister and appeared

to appeal at the presbytery in which he served his apprenticeship waving

his cheque book and saying that he had it printed with Rev. B. Wrong,

and this would now be a severe embarrassment if he were refused

ordination?

Professor Good sternly moved that the call to Mr Wrong be refused. The

presbytery agreed and sheepishly Mr Wrong went back to the parish of

Killjoy, clutching his farewell present and resolving to be a better

boy. St Twits got another minister and life went on. Is that a

ridiculous story which could never happen? No it isn't. It happened in

the Church of Scotland in the past few years. I have changed the names

to protect the guilty parties, but it happened. It is not one of my wee

stories which I make up from time.

However, while we are on the subject of fiction, I must tender an

apology to the redoubtable Mrs Rosalind Goodfellow for confusing her

with a lady that I once saw chair the General Synod of the Church of

England.

Mrs Goodfellow is, as Rev. David Dutton was kind enough to point out,

a former Moderator of the United Reformed Church. Ouch, or should I say

Urc! When I have finished eating my humble pie, I may write an article

about the rise of the femmes formidable in religion and politics. (We

now not only have Mrs T and Mrs G but my anonymous lady of the C of E.

Of course the Labour Party have Mrs B and Mrs Dinwoodie and the Kirk has

Mrs H also known as the Mother of God lady. Fear of retribution from the

tongues of these ladies has made me discreet. Please don't tell them you

read this.)

However, there is a limit to one's appetite for humble pie and I am

not going to swallow Mr Dutton's alliance with Canon Kenyon Wright who

is erroneous in his assertion on this page a few days ago that he did

not suffer a setback at the British Council of Churches Assembly over

support for the Scottish Convention. Any man who could claim as the good

Canon did at the Convention that it was a historic moment that would

change the life of Scotland would hardly have been content with a BCC

resolution simply ''noting'' the Convention.

If you doubt my interpretation and report, then perhaps you should

consider why Very Rev. Bill Johnston, former Moderator and staunch

proponent of devolution as Church and Nation convener, has resigned from

the Scottish Churches Council over the way that it has been hijacked

into supporting the Convention. In the past few weeks I have met quite a

few patriotic Scots who share his reserve.

You don't have to be of any particular political or theological

position to take that view. Indeed the climate of thinking is as fluid

over Scotland's future as it has been for a long time. A similar

fluidity seems to have affected Kirk thinking about ministry.

In recent years we have had auxiliary ministers introduced who are

ordained to administer the sacraments but are limited in their sphere of

operation and duration of appointment. They are also unpaid, prompting

critics of their less demanding qualification credentials to say, you

get what you pay for. But a new proposal coming to the Assembly will

enable them to play a fuller role in presbyteries. Likewise the

diaconate, who were recently created to add another regiment to the Kirk

army of ministry.

The Panel on Doctrine are arguing that the old idea of ministers as

the elite corps should give way to a new picture of many types of

ministry and more involvement from members. No-one can say this is at

odds with Reformed doctrine but it has created a number of anomalies not

least in who is permitted to be a member of presbytery.

It is at this time of the year that those ministers who are not

presbyters must apply, like motorists, for their MOT (or ministerial

operating ticket). Those who get it can celebrate the sacraments. But as

another regular Herald correspondent Rev. N. M. Bowman, points out,

those like himself who became school chaplains were denied membership.

Now deacons and auxiliaries will be presbyters along with university

chaplains but full-time school chaplains will not.

Ministers who run religious ventures which are outwith the control of

the church like hospices are not, yet minister employees of broadcasting

organisations in the religious departments are. Religious journalists,

some will be relieved to hear, are not presbyters. The Rev. B. Wrong,

B.D. (failed) still is.