Across a windswept Orkney landscape where wellies and waterproofs tend to be norm, the historic and mystical sights can have an overwhelming impression on visitors.
In the case of one group of visitors, the spiritual magnetism of a Neolithic chambered tomb had them so moved, they felt they simply had to throw caution – and clothes – to the wind.
Their plan, they explained to astonished Orkney guide Kinlay Francis, was to pay respects to ancient spirits, by stripping to the bare minimum and taking turns to dance and chant around and inside the 5,000 years old Maeshowe Chambered Cairn.
Strange as it sounds, tour guide Kinlay says the bizarre incident is not the first time he’s had to step in to stop visitors from stripping to the bare minimum to prance, chant or try to hug some of Orkney’s precious prehistoric monuments.
For having spent nearly 15 years as a tour guide showing tourists from around the world the islands’ attractions, he’s now used to being asked the daftest of questions, dealing with countless selfie takers dicing with death on cliff edges for the perfect shot, and explaining endless times to confused tourists that Orkney is not part of the Western Isles, nor is it where they’ll find Edinburgh Castle.
The semi-naked dancing ladies, though, was a particular eye-opener.
“It was a couple of years ago now. I met a group of ladies from the ferry terminal at Stromness who had booked a private tour of the ancient sites,” explains Kinlay, who’s documented the most bizarre tourist requests, questions and incidents in a new ‘confessions of a tour guide’ style book.
“They had towels with them and were wearing just thin jackets.
“I said to them they could be doing with wearing some more clothes because it was cold and wet, and they’d be doing some walking.
Kinlay Francis who runs tour business Orkney Uncovered (Image: Kinlay Francis)
“One of them said it was okay because they were planning to dance naked in turn around the site while the others chanted.
“They must have seen the look of horror cross my face,” he adds. “I said as calmly as I could, ‘no, you can’t do that, it’s indecent exposure and you’ll likely be arrested.
“And, I pointed out, there were other people on the tour, including children.
“They finally agreed, and said they’d come back some other time when it was dark. I thought ‘good luck with that!’.”
It’s just one of many odd incidents involving tourists who, often inspired by the hugely successful Outlander series in which character Claire Randall time travels via a stone circle, have ambitions to get as close as physically possible to ancient treasures.
Undeterred by failing to fulfil their naked dancing plans at Maeshowe, Kinlay recalls the same group later decided to “randomly flash” at the Ring of Brodgar stone circle.
“One was shivering and muttering some chant, while trying to hug a stone.
“I ran over and insisted they immediately put their clothes back on.
“Half-naked and cuddling stones – it’s unreal!”
Unreal, yet just part of a day’s work for a tour guide dealing with visitors drawn to explore Orkney’s ancient treasures, even though some seem unclear as where on the map they actually might be.
Such as the American couple who arrived anxious to explore the beautiful island they’d read so much of only to discover they were just a little off course.
Kinlay says alarm bells rang the minute they stepped off the Northlink Ferry at Stromness and greeted him in what sounded like Gaelic.
“I explained Gaelic is not the language of the Northern Isles and they did look a bit bewildered,” he says.
They told him they wanted to visit Burray, an island to the east of Scapa Flow linked by the Churchill Barriers and a popular spot for wildlife, Second World War history and fascinating geology.
“The man asked me where the beach landing strip was," recalls Kinlay. “I explained there wasn’t one, and the closest airfield was on Lamb Holm.
“The man whipped out his phone and found a YouTube video showing a small aircraft landing on a strip of beach.
“I looked it and broke it to him that this was Burray, in the Orkney Islands, not Barra in the Western Isles.”
Even more disorientated were the American visitors whose first request on stepping on to Orkney soil was for directions to the castle.
“I said Balfour Castle is on Shapinsay. It wasn’t Balfour Castle he wanted, it was Edinburgh Castle.”
Orkney’s popularity with cruise liners with multiple stopovers, means visitors often arrive a little disorientated and are often unsure of what to expect.
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“Some don’t realise that people actually live here,” says Kinlay.
“They expect Orkney to be full of sheep and farms, and don’t realise there’s actually running water and electricity.
“One chap wanted to know how we survived winter, and did we have to slaughter our own animals for food?
“I said, ‘no, we go to Tesco.’”
The relatively mild year round temperatures also confused one group of Russian visitors who arrived by private jet dressed for the worst the weather could throw at them.
“They disembarked donned in what I can only describe as ‘Arctic survival gear’,” adds Kinlay.
“They were visibly sweating, wearing a variety of thick down coats, woolly hats, salopettes, thick mitts and mountaineering boots.
“It turned out they had flown in from St Petersburg and actually stopped over in Aberdeen to buy more outdoor gear, thinking the Orkney weather would be savage.”
Although Orkney sits at roughly the same latitude as Stockholm and St Petersburg - around 59 degrees North – the Gulf Stream means it has a relatively mild year-round climate.
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But Kinlay tends to warn visitors: don’t bother with a brolly, the wild wind means it’s probably a waste of time.
Dealing with tourists’ queries and sometimes odd behaviour has become the norm for Kinlay, who, with his Kirsty, quit their Glasgow careers in 2008 for a new life in Orkney.
His Viking looks and fascination with wartime history led to setting up Orkney Uncovered, which offers bespoke tours to often high income visitors, some of them with very challenging demands.
Such as the group who wanted to have a picnic at the top of the 449-ft Old Man of Hoy, thinking there might be an easy route up and down. Kinlay had to explain, there isn’t.
One couple wanted him to make sure a pod of orcas would be in the area during their visit. “I said ‘are you joking? I can’t just blow a whistle and they appear!’.”
While a tour operator in London who wanted to organise an overhead ‘bird eye view’ of the islands for well-heeled clients in private Gulfstream G650 jet had to be reminded the jet flies at around 600mph - meaning it would be quite a short tour.
On the ground, there was the visitor who wanted to drive themselves, only for Kinlay in the passenger seat having to point out they were travelling on the wrong side of the road.
Several selfie enthusiasts who got too close to the edge of the Yesnaby cliffs – despite his repeated warnings - have parted company with cameras, phones and at least one ‘Make America Great Again’ baseball cap.
Others have become a little too close for comfort with local ‘wildlife’.
Such as the group keen to photograph what they thought were sheep only to find they were angry rams.
“The rams went on a rampage butting people, who were still trying to take their selfies,” says Kinlay.
Then there was the unfortunately gentleman ‘caught short’ in a remote spot. He retreated behind a rock, only to come under bombardment from ‘bonxies’ – the great skua seabirds known for aggressive behaviour.
He ended up desperately trying to fend off the bonxies with one hand, while holding up his trousers with the other.
And although the life of a tour guide on Orkney can have its interesting moments, he says he wouldn’t swap it.
“The key is to just go with whatever comes up,” he says, “I love what I do.”
Adventures with Orkney Uncovered is available from Amazon
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