What did we learn from Lorraine: 40 Unforgettable Years (and counting)

Much of the material had been aired before. While there were endless tributes to Kelly’s all-round niceness, the best explanation for her longevity came from her pal Piers Morgan. “Lorraine is an iron fist in a velvet glove,” he said.

We saw a clip of her shredding an alleged girlfriend of Boris Johnson for daring to come on the show and not answer questions. “If you try to mug off Lorraine Kelly then you’re in trouble,” said Piers, making her sound like one of the Kray twins.

Phillip Schofield with Stacey Solomon before it all went wrong (Image: free) Cast Away with Phillip Schofield (Channel 5, Monday-Wednesday), found the ex-This Morning presenter alone on a desert island pondering his departure from the show. Schofield walked after his relationship with a much younger colleague came to light.

He could have stayed at home and bellyached or strapped a GoPro camera to a trolley and wandered around Sainsbury’s muttering to himself, but no, an island off Madagascar it was.

Schofield was there alone for 10 days and nine nights. From dawn till dusk he complained about those he felt had done him wrong. As far as he was concerned, the whingeathon was a success. “I just feel my toxicity tanks emptying out,” he said. What a lovely image that conjured up.

Of course he came across as mad and utterly lacking in perspective, likening what had happened to “the biggest grenade going off in your life” while insisting “I am not doing this as a ‘poor me’.” Why was he doing it then? Perhaps it was one long audition tape to be the documentary face of Channel 5, but I can’t see that happening. He’s too, and there’s no other way of saying this, unlikeable.

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He can laugh at himself, which always helps, as when he described a near-raw coconut as “going through an angry, bitter stage, like a TV presenter”. And this was a slickly made piece, hopping back and forth from life on the island to interviews with his wife and daughters back home. The women in his life said far more about Schofield than any footage of him grubbing around for food and TV redemption.

Will his Cast Away experience do him any good? It might send him up the rankings of Britain’s best Alan Partridge tribute act I suppose, but Madeley has that pretty much in the bag.

I don’t think the subject of Joan (ITV1, Sunday-Monday) would have had much time for Schofield’s carping. Based on the life and often grim times of jewel thief Joan Hannington, this was a curiously old-fashioned affair. It started in London in 1985 but the vibe was much earlier. One half expected Cathy to come round the corner looking for a place for her and the kids to stay.

When we met Joan she was fleeing a violent home with her young daughter. This time her husband was the problem, before it was her dad. With nowhere to live Joan puts her daughter into care, promising that she’ll be back for her as soon as she can. Joan’s way out of her predicament was to steal, and pretty good she was at it, even if her methods did require a strong stomach (and a sieve).

Played by Sophie Turner, Joan was portrayed in a mostly positive way, her troubled past largely hinted at. “None of your bloody chaos,” warned her sister as Joan arrived to sleep on the sofa. At other times the script had all the depth and subtlety of a pop video, as when Joan arrived poolside in Spain to the sounds of Club Tropicana.

The six-hour Nightsleeper was thin stuff stretched too far (Image: free) So, we made it to the end of Nightsleeper (BBC1, Monday), assuming you watched it old school style, twice a week. As we reached our destination, stretching and yawning and brushing the sandwich crumbs out of our laps, there was time to ponder whether this runaway train tale deserved the bad reviews it initially received. Were the critics, including yours truly, proved wrong?

I’m sticking by my first impressions. While I’m as much an admirer of so bad it’s good fare as the next fan of Cats, the six-hour Nightsleeper was thin stuff stretched too far. Being on the other end of the ridiculousness was a bit like being tickled: a giggle for a bit, then torture.

In the final episode, everyone got their “big scene”, always a bad sign in any drama, but their characters and motivations still made no sense. Save for James Cosmo, that is, who managed to act the lot of them off the train in a two-minute scene about timekeeping.

I hear that Nightsleeper has been a hit with the all-important younger demographic, however. Next time, if there is one, it should be set it on the Glasgow Subway, on a Sunday, and the plug will be pulled at 6pm, whatever is happening. That will show those pesky hack-jackers.