MANY of the events covered in this column are fun, educational or informative, ken? But this week, for a change, we look ahead to the Budget.
The implication of a Budget is that there is a plan. Having to have a plan is a thundering nuisance, and one of the biggest drawbacks of politics. It spoils things for politicians, keeping them on their toes when they’d much rather be seated.
But the electorate is plan-mad. Any time anyone wants to do anything, it’s: “What’s the plan?” Bo-ring. But what can you do?
Well, the Budget is the big plan for the year ahead. There used to be two, with a lesser one in spring, but now it’s just the Autumn Budget (though there will remain a Spring Statement, responding to the forecast from the Office for Budget Responsibility, but not enacting anything).
Of course, there’s also a Scottish Government Budget, a plan for how to use the pocket money the country is allowed back by the bullies to whom it had previously handed over its cash. And there’s a European Budget, to which, like most EU matters, no one paid any attention – until now, when Europe has become the love of many people’s lives.
Cushioning the “blow” of Brexit uncertainty is the Budget demand of the pro-EU parties. Ditching austerity is also a key demand of the SNP’s, but it’s unlikely that the Chancellor of the Exchequer, Philip Hammond, will listen.
It’s his party’s funeral (yay!). There’s a widespread feeling that the Tories are done, even if their diehard vote in the prosperous south of England will doubtless hold up.
But Mr Hammond will have to pull a spectacular rabbit out of his millinery on Wednesday if he is to assuage the rest of Britain proper. Writing this in advance, I can only guess at the nature of this bunny.
In the past, it was all fags, booze and petrol, but lately much of the speculation has concerned an overhaul to the VAT system, perhaps dropping the current threshold to raise more revenue. The Chancellor could also throw the SNP a bone by scrapping VAT for Scottish emergency services. And he could make himself popular with the British masses generally if he took on tax avoidance.
Someone mentioned millinery earlier but, in truth, the Chancellor will produce his Budget from a red briefcase or “box” (the word “budget” comes from the old French “bougette” for little, leather bag), as tradition demands. Another tradition is that Chancellors are allowed to have a drink when presenting their Budget to the Hoose o’ Commons.
Recent Chancellors have opted for water, but it used to be one of the rare occasions when you could get booze into the chamber (other than on MPs’ breath). Gladstone opted for sherry and a beaten egg, which sounds more like a hangover cure than suitable prepping for what former Chancellor Nigel Lawson described as an “enjoyable ordeal”.
Ordeal it will certainly be on Wednesday, as much for the public as anyone else. Whether it’ll be enjoyable remains to be seen. I’d like the Chancellor to present his Budget in rhyming couplets.
But I accept that this is unlikely.
Coverage of Wednesday’s Budget begins on BBC 2 Scotland at 11.30am and on ITV at 12.20pm.
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