Claire Martin
I WAS diagnosed with borderline personality disorder when I was 20 years old. A number of things led to my diagnosis but I think it began when I split up with my partner in 2008.
I hadn’t been well for a while. I took an overdose and ended up in a high dependency ward. I came out of there, we broke up and my mental health spiralled down.
I ended up calling a crisis line. They were worried about my wellbeing and called the police. The police took me to the hospital and I was admitted to the psychiatric ward for seven months.
I would see the psychiatrist in the hospital once or twice a week. And we would just chat about my family history, what led to my hospital admission and past incidents, then she put the pieces of the puzzle together.
I was kind of relieved to find out what was wrong. On one hand it was good because I finally found out what was wrong but on the other
I have a mental illness. Just what I needed.
Borderline personality disorder is quite hard to live with. Unlike bipolar, it can’t be treated with medication. It’s not as easily managed. You have one-on-one and group sessions with the psychiatrist. The group sessions terrify me. My social anxiety kicks in and I can’t deal with it.
The pressure I put myself under is the worst part, to hide how I am doing. There is such a stigma about mental health that I can’t really talk about how I’m feeling, because people will back away from me.
I started a blog so I had an outlet. I could say how I was feeling and look back on the year and see that I’ve come a long way. It was so I wasn’t always focusing on the negative.
I started making plans like going on holiday, putting a countdown on my phone for that so I could look forward to it. I think that helps when things are bad.
I met one of my closest friends at the hospital, which has made life with my mental illness easier. I’d be lost without her. She is someone who can understand what I’m going through and it always helps to have someone who can do that.
Looking back I can see that the symptoms for borderline personality disorder were always there. One in particular is fear of abandonment, which comes from my adoption. Going from my birth family to foster care to then being adopted, I have this sense that people always leave. Another symptom is my unstable relationships with my partners.
I have battled mental health problems all my life and it’s torture, being trapped in a world of your own thoughts. My family and friends try to understand but they never will and part of me is glad.
If they don’t understand then they don’t know what it’s like. I’d never wish this life on anyone. It’s lonely, frustrating and tiring, and so much more.
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