BAD news, high-flyers. It's official: gone are the glory days of air travel. According to an industry report published last week, low-cost airlines will overtake traditional carriers within five years. Analysts at RDC Aviation predict that the rise of the no-frills business model, which has already launched the likes of Ryanair and easyJet into the top seven of Europe's airlines, will mean that low fares are increasingly seen as the norm by short-haul passengers. What was once the ultimate in glamorous travel has taken a nose-dive, consigned to the history books with Concorde. It seems you just can't halt progress.
Gone are the gloved air "hostesses" in their starched aprons; gone are the steaming towels served up with tongs after the in-flight meal; gone is the basket of boilings proffered before landing to ease the popping of ears. It was hardly club class, but it felt a bit more special than getting the bus. Even the in-flight catering had a certain inexplicable charm that rendered vulcanised omelette followed by chocolate mousse with a pear-half slightly exotic at 4am while cruising at 30,000ft.
Meanwhile, the report also predicts further rises in "ancillary" charges covering excess baggage, catering, check-in services, pre-assigned seating and other items previously covered in the cost of a ticket, as airlines operating on tight margins try to recoup costs.
But the report points out that passengers have already accepted the new flying culture and have responded to it by lowering their expectations. So it looks like flying is going to be just like getting the bus, but with a cattle-market vibe thrown in for laughs. All we need is an empty Buckfast bottle rolling up and down the aisle and we'll never know we've taken off.
Of course, the extra charges have been driven by the rise in government aviation taxes and fuel prices, while increases in carbon taxes will further exacerbate the situation. Cash is, after all, the bottom line and it's cost that has forced the flying public to embrace change. Who minds slumming it a bit when there's a blink of sunshine at the end of the journey?
Browsing online for reasonably priced flights for our summer holidays this year, I was becoming increasingly fearful that I would be packing my Aran-knit and wellies for the beach at Saltcoats. But it's Prestwick instead the airport for a flight to sunnier climes, I'm glad to report, and not the beach.
It's not going to be straightforward, however. On finding flights and marvelling at the price, we were quick to commence online booking. Alas, every step added on a few quid. These charges, of course, aren't for an in-flight massage or bubbly on take-off. They are for basics such as checking in and baggage. Add on these charges, and it was starting to look like Saltcoats again.
So for an added sense of adventure this summer, we're taking the Trolley Dolly Challenge. The rules of the game: only one item of hand luggage is allowed per person. Aforementioned baggage should not exceed the dimensions of 55cmx40cmx20cm or weight of 10kg. All lotions and potions, of quantities not more than 100ml, must be carried in a clear polythene bag of no more than one-litre capacity, or 20cmx20cm. Shoulder-barging on being called to gate is disallowed and could result in disqualification. Infringement of the above rules will incur huge penalties in extra charges.
The aim of the game: get to your destination, spend a fortnight's holiday wearing the same clothes over and over again, and return home without being shoulder-barged at gate or incurring huge penalty charges. The winner will be the person who managed to buy required lotions and potions at destination and hand-wash every day for less than it would have cost to pay the extra baggage charge in the first place. (Note this year's enhanced challenge: the euro-sterling pitfall). Extra points will be given to the contestant who spins out one book with very small print for the entire holiday. In the event of a tie-breaker, the winner will be deemed the person who best explains to the grannies why all they have by way of a souvenir is a tea towel, since the local vino was too heavy to pack.
The fun we're going to have will be priceless. The bonus is that I won't have to pack the Aran-knit and wellies.
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