ONE of the most entertaining songs in the Tartan Army repertoire is done to the tune of the hokey-cokey. It involves putting your left hand in and your left hand out and shaking it all about and chanting "Oh Diego Maradona. He put the English out, out, out".

The song is a celebration of Maradona's goal which ended England's participation in the 1986 World Cup.

This memorable event in world football is now recognised in a physical form by the opening of a pub called The Hand of God. This sports bar, part of the Station Hotel in Ayr, incorporates a shrine to that moment in Mexico.

The barmaids are also kitted out in the blue and white jerseys of Argentina.

The Hand of God themepub concept could stretch to other memorable moments in football. What about when Kenny Dalglish nutmegged the England goalkeeper for the winning goal at Hampden in May 1976 when Scotland beat the Auld Enemy 2-1?

We could have a bar called Ray Clemence's Legs.

OLD MEMORIES

WITH the World Cup imminent and it being the 40th anniversary of that game at Wembley when a Russian linesman denied Germany their rightful victory, expect a deluge of nostalgia from the English media. The members of Sir Alf Ramsey's winning squad are already being trotted out to relive the occasion.

Martin Peters, the West Ham midfielder, was asked the inevitable question as to how the 1966 team would fare against the present England side. "It would be a tough game, " he said, "and I reckon we'd have to settle for a draw.

"But then again, they are in their 20s and we are in our 60s and 70s."

ARUM DEAL

US chaps in Scotland have our World Cup memories as well, but they are growing more distant with every tournament for which we fail to qualify.

The memories, it goes without saying, do not involve victory but glorious failure.

Just in case anybody had forgotten, sports writer Graham McColl has penned a book called 78: How a Nation Lost the World Cup. It chronicles the campaign in Argentina in which the gap between Scottish expectation and reality was at its widest.

McColl has interviewed the players, journos and fans who were there. He talked to Faye, widow of Ally MacLeod who lifted so high the bar of Scottish optimism. Presumably she can cast some light on the famous carpet adverts.

Argentina 1978 also produced one of the catchiest Scotland World Cup songs.

No, not that one which got Andy Cameron on to Top of the Pops, but the catchy Ole, Ola latino number by old rocker Rod Stewart. It had one of the finest stanzas in the canon of Scottish World Cup lyrics, 'When the blue shirts run out in Argentina\Our hearts will be beating like a drum\And your nerves are so shattered you can't take it\Automatically you reach out for the rum'.

One of the many things we got wrong in 1978 was the reference in Rod's song to rum.

That's more of a Caribbean thing and the tipple of choice in Argentina is more likely to be brandy. But how do you get a lyric to rhyme with brandy?

PLAYING GORD

STRACHAN must go. We say this as dedicated followers of Celtic. The wee man should get his jotters under the three-strike rule. First offence was the 5-0 humiliation by Artmedia. Then there was the Scottish Cup defeat by Clyde.

Now Strachan is responsible for an unpalatable third result, the 1-0 defeat of Hearts of Lithuania. Yes, it clinched the league title for Celtic. But what the ill-considered victory might do is deprive two very deserving Scottish clubs of European delights next season.

If Hearts are overtaken by Rangers, they will miss out on the Champions League. The knock-on effect could deprive Gretna of a slot in the Uefa Cup. Shame on Celtic.

BEDROOM ANTICS

INTERESTING choice of words by Mr Strachan in discussing the marital problems which might spell the end of John Hartson's time at Celtic.

"In a way, I can understand his position. We all make our bed and have to lie in it."