Jack Osbourne: Celeberity Adrenaline ITV2, 9pm The Restaurant BBC2, 8pm
Jack Osbourne: Celebrity Adrenaline Junkie is surely a contender for the most tedious, not to mention idiotic, programme on TV. The host must take a great deal of the responsibility.
If the show was called, Jack Osbourne: Personality Transplant, it would be more interesting, and certainly have a better chance of a happy ending. Jack is a curious, Hobbit-like fellow with tattoos and absolutely no charisma.
The absence of the latter is a problem, considering he is meant to be the leader of a gang of "celebrities" who have to overcome a series of challenges which include scaling rock-faces and abseiling into ravines. Singer Craig David, TV presenter Emma Griffiths and Huey Morgan from Fun Lovin'Criminals (remember them?) all featured in last night's episode. That they managed to remain intact throughout a series of gruelling challenges was no thanks to little Jack. "Imagine a boulder three times heavier than a man falling on you it's going to ******* kill you," said Jack at one point, with flawless logic.
More pearls of wisdom followed: "My recommendation? Don't look down"; "Boxing is a full-contact blood sport someone is going to get hurt." And finally: "We really are in the centre of the earth."
Jack seemed to drag the rest of his team into this morass of mind-numbing mince. "It's like bungee jumping without bungee jumping," said David, moments after successfully scaling a rock-face. Eh? Then, he exclaimed: "What am I doing up a rock-face? Tell me, please?" How about shamelessly seeking publicity, Craig?
Griffiths was there to fulfil the "shrieking female" role, and did so with aplomb. Every time the timid TV presenter exclaimed: "Oh my Gawwwd, it's so high/deep/dark," you could see the programme's producers rubbing their hands in glee. To Griffiths's credit, though, she showed the boys up towards the end by impressively extricating herself from a 400m-deep cave.
It was hard not to laugh as Jack, the resident smart Alec, got himself in a dreadful pickle while 200m from the top, running the risk of getting dive-bombed by thousands of swallows.
Now that would have made for good TV. Morgan turned up briefly towards the end, but still had enough screen time to make himself look as foolish and egotistical as the rest.
Ralph Ineson, who played Finchy in The Office, provided the voiceover and tried valiantly to inject some drama into proceedings, but also ended up sounding idiotic. "They push on up the rock-face, fighting gravity every step of the way," said Ineson, in his most portentous tones.
"Luckily Jack had the foresight to pack a roll of sticky tape," added Ineson as our hero attempted to stick a camp bed on to the side a cliff, or some such nonsense. A dull Osbourne, eh? Who would have thought it?
Last night also saw the finale of The Restaurant, in which two surviving couples battled it out for the right to open a restaurant, financially backed and supported by Raymond Blanc. The couples had to cook for 40 discerning guests aboard the Orient Express for a chance to claim the top prize.
It was Blanc, however, who emerged as the real hero of the series. The French chef is a charming, inoffensive but ruthlessly focused chap. The contestants also showed that motivation can come from within, and not necessarily from a craggy-faced, blond-haired ogre hanging over your shoulder screaming obscenities.
martin.greig@theherald.co.uk
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