Fire in the belly was what Dominic Ryan longed for and that's what he found, in the most pleasant surroundings
The times they have
a-changed since the Dark Days, the era when Insurance Overlords ruled the earth with premiums the size of Brazil's national debt. Now immobilisers, Fort Knox alarm systems and threats of a bloody good hiding from Ernie the Neighbourhood Watchman are all available to protect your cherished carriage of choice and as the Overlords flail wildly against the revolution, so the hot hatches have reappeared on the horizon, massing their ranks, ready for a final gallop home.
The all-new Nissan Almera Sport is prime among their number. This is one tough-looking
wee hombre - a barrel-chested silver steed with legs akimbo on super shiny alloys and tyres fatter than Robbie Williams' ego. If you don't mind the added road-roll noise, these sprint shoes really are the Nike Airs of wheelydom.
Above the tough guy stance and high side-barred midriff, the roofline curves pleasingly over
the skylight, adding a slight dip before the cheeky flick of the super-sporty surf-tail spoiler.
Despite bearing the undeniable good looks and mean carriage of a bona fide road racer, the Almera Sport is not, however, a chariot of fire. Pop the bonnet and the 1.8 litre 16-valve engine might look business-like (in fact, without a protective plastic casing it looks like the Nissan doc plum forgot to sew the engine back up after inserting kit and caboodle). But in the 11 seconds from nought to 60 you could knit a nice pair of rainbow boxer shorts to keep your alloys warm.
On the plus side, bearing in mind this is a car designed for the dedicated hot hatcher, is the throatiness of the engine - a rrreal gutturral grrrrowl, which should scare the livin' bejaysus out of Mrs Murphy in her Micra.
And as the thunder rolls in your steed's belly, cop a tight hold of the steering wheel its rawhide side-saddles have more grip than Dick Advocaat's head tapestry.
If the steering itself is a touch too light, it is never out of control and, though the shockers may be spongy, the bounce doesn't outlaw the joy of swift sharp cornering. There's certainly enough custard on the anti-lock brakes to make for a rapid, confidence-inspiring pull on the reins.
Swinging into those corners, the seats are comfy but reassuringly solid and hold in all the right places - your booty don't get jiggy with it.
Head room has never been a problem for this writer, but there seems ample space for Don King's falling-down-an-elevator-shaft Afro, both fore and aft, and visibility is good all round.
Despite its hot hatch status, load-carrying is not a problem. The cargo hold has the yawning maw of a basking shark, an aperture wide enough to accommodate the contents of Charlie Dimmock's garden shed, avec T-shirts.
Apparently, storage was top of the ''super utility'' wish list when the Nissan's European design team huddled over their boards: and so the all-new Almera boasts more hidey holes and hidden hatches than a Vietnamese fishing boat. In addition, there are enough cup holders for George Best's get well party.
With the exception of the big spring-loaded hatch set bang in the middle of the dashboard, which is too obtrusive and a tantalus for any opportunistic thief, all of these gizmoids - especially the box above the rear view mirror to store your sunshades - are incredibly useful. There's even a hook for your take-away - although, set aside the passenger footwell, there's always the possibility that Big Banana Feet might end up playing footsie with the pakora.
Another nice touch is the
12-volt supply in the central arm rest; ideal for wee Ted to plug in
to Pokemon on a long journey
or for Teena's portable hair straightener on Monday late-for-work mornings.
In fact, the interior is quite pleasing on the eye, with its moulded curves and two-tone muted greys inset with laminate silver. The only flaw really is the choice of seat cover, inspired by Jackson Pollock's worst dribbles and reminiscent at its best of the duvet employed during the eighties by Dave the Rave, who thought paint splashes and Playboy motifs would impress the burds.
As befits a son of the Rising Sun, the Almera boasts all-electric functions, including windows, sunroof and mirrors. The six-CD autochanger and radio system is mounted at different levels on the dash, making your light entertainment a burglar's heavy labour.
All this hot hatch wizardry for a remarkably down-to-earth price - from #14,900. And that, perhaps, will prove to be the Almera's biggest selling point. Most hot hatchers are pimple-cheeked yoofs who wear baseball caps because the loan repayments on their mean machine rule out a decent haircut - the bargain buy Almera Sport may yet prove to have hidden fringe benefits.
Nissan Almera Sport
Price: from #14,900
Engine: 1.8litre 16-valve
Acceleration: 0-62 in 11.1 seconds
Mpg: urban 27.7
Insurance group: 7
Test car supplied by: Nissan Phoenix,
Phoenix Retail Park, Linwood Road, Paisley, 0141 849 5050
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