Inside the Labour party conference - fun on the fringes

Or your tails. Guide Dogs UK had a stand in the exhibition hall where a smattering of Golden Retrievers were keeping their rumps under close guard after last week's apology to all dogs from Suella Braverman and her careless high heels.

Relief all round as Shadow Home Secretary Yvette Cooper focused her speech on tough love on youth disorder with a pledge to stamp down on knife crime, not puppies.

Is it always this packed, I asked a senior Scottish Labour insider? No, they said, these were crowds of the likes that have not been seen in a considerable time, if ever.

Along with the charity stands in the exhibition hall, big business was also out in force, a comment on the increasing confidence in Labour by the business community. Specsavers - perhaps of use to Ms Braverman - was there alongside Google; Goldman Sachs was sponsoring fringe events; Lloyds Banking Group branding was all over the parliamentary lounge.

But what brings someone to a political party conference? "Jesus Christ," says one friend with disgust so palpable it manages to radiate through the medium of WhatsApp when I mention it. Another replies, "That is insane" and sends me a gif he's made expressing the same sentiment.

The bulk of folk are there for work - they have a credible excuse to be spending four days attending fringe events on topics as diverse as rail, net zero, the NHS and lessons from Chinese seafarers on forced deportations or to be enjoying the free libations at ambassador and business drinks receptions.

They have a credible excuse to want to sit through the less engaging of the speeches. (Pity poor shadow paymaster general Jonathan Ashworth, who is down for the final speech on Wednesday morning, which he'll have to make as delegates bolt for their trains home).

Some 40% of the catering at the Labour party conference is, nicely, social enterprises and they are doing a roaring trade. A cheese toastie van has a permanent queue and it is only desperation that sees me wait nearly 20 minutes for cheese on toast, which I eat on a bollard by the Mersey.

Tom and Rosie are propped on the next bollard with some falafel from the Greek food stall. "It's like a music festival for nerds," Tom says, quite pleased with himself. I can't decide if this is fitting or offensive to the home of the Beatles as yet another gaggle of self-satisfied looking young blokes in suits stride past.

He and Rosie met in a bar the night before but are accompanying each other to events of interest today. Like what? They've been to an event entitled "Everything the next government needs to know about pesticides", which doesn't sound like somewhere you want to take a hangover, and will be off to an event on Labour's position on Palestinian rights as well as The Campaigners Guide to AI, which actually sounds quite useful.

They are looking forward to Emily Thornberry's speech on creating new rights for co-habiting couples in England and Wales, which, imho, didn't get the coverage it deserved. If you want to claim to be looking to the future and adapting to the needs of a modern society, then this is an issue overlooked for too long.

The numbers of couples marrying is in decline but co-habiting partners still have few rights, particularly in comparison to countries like Australia, New Zealand and Scotland where de-facto spouses have increased entitlements.

Also, additional points to Ms Thornberry for her line on the "Groundhog Day of [Conservative] gross dereliction". "The multiverse of crapness," she added, neatly.

They are less keen on Rachel Reeves, although she turns out to be the surprise star of the show, reinventing herself from wooden performer to engaging orator. Labour, she says, “will not waver from iron-clad fiscal rules” hopefully echoing Gordon Brown and less Margaret Thatcher.

Clambering through one of the fringe venues I heard a whispered "Look!" as someone nudges their friend while making an energetic bounce on their heels, "There's Sue Gray".

It's astonishing the things that make people excited.

But then, I find myself standing next to Zoe Williams, the Guardian columnist, in a bar and feel quite overwhelmed. It takes me two goes to pluck up the courage to speak to her.

"Are you..." I begin, but when she looks at me I chicken out and lamely substitute "Zoe Williams?" with "having a nice evening?"

Eventually I tell her I love her and she is very generous with her time until I tell her a horrifying anecdote about something I did at 1am on the Sunday evening in a conference hall and her husband looks so disgusted I realise it's time to quit.

Never let your heroes meet you, that's what I always say.

The opportunity to see random political crushes does seem to be a draw of conference. There's a lot of whispered "look over theres!"

All eyes, of course, and hearts and minds are on the big stage in the main hall. Sir Keir Starmer is speaking on the Tuesday at 2pm and the queue begins hours before. Early in the morning it is announced that the speech will be ticket only because capacity is running out.

There is a bit of a music festival vibe by that point in the line of people with a golden ticket. Boring? No, still definitely buoyant.

When the doors finally open and folk take their seats there is a giddiness to the atmosphere. A little ahead of me is a woman with a buggy and you wonder how the baby is going to respond to the hubbub but this turns out to be one extremely well-behaved wean, who sleeps soundly through the whole thing. There's no sleeping from anyone else as Sir Keir enjoys his 13 standing ovations.

“I am going through a process of bomb-proofing every single thing that we put to the electorate,” Starmer later tells a round of media interviews, but no one proofed the Exhibition Centre against glitter bombs.

The moment the protestor rushes the stage is genuinely shocking; there are gasps and breath held until the two female security guards huckle the interloper to the floor and cart him out.

Meanwhile, Sir Keir rolls up his sleeves and stands sparkling. What an own goal for the campaigner. What was he shouting about? Unspecified electoral reform?

It's a shame he didn't just join the protestors outside the venue calling for an end to First Past the Post by wiping their feet repeatedly on door mats.

Last week at the Conservative Party conference Penny Mordaunt called on the electorate to stand up and fight while Suella Braverman wants to turn people back at the border.

The Labour message was gentler - politics should be seen and felt but not heard, it should move lightly through people's lives. As it generally does.

Keir Starmer's policies are surprisingly radical but he's reigned in his MPs to the point it all feels a little bland. That's good. A boring conference is better than a batshit crazy conference.

Labour's challenge now is to float this conference buoyancy down the Mersey, into its tributaries and beyond.