Shakespeare for beginners

TEACHER Gordon Fisher from Stewarton was in school, telling a colleague that he had recently visited Stratford-upon-Avon to see the RSC’s current production of Macbeth.

An eavesdropping and most inquisitive scholar flicked his head round, and asked: "Whitsatawabootthen?" 

Gordon proceeded to tell him the grizzly yarn involving Macbeth putting a contract out on Banquo, and a hit on Macduff's entire family.

Then he explained how the lead character whacks Duncan and Young Siward; that Lady Macbeth dies, too, before, finally, Macduff rubs out "the confident tyrant”.

The young scholar, looking suitably impressed, gasped: "Aye, I can see why they called it MacDeath."

Off-colour remark

ANOTHER tale from the chalkface. An art teacher chum of reader Deedee Cuddihy worked at a secondary school in Hamilton.

A boy in his class, attempting to delay as long as possible the dreaded lesson, asked him what car he drove.

With understandable pride the teacher replied: "A Porsche."

Upon  hearing this, the pupil looked the teacher up and down, curled his lip, then said: "Naebody who wears broon troosers drives a Porsche."  

Eight Legged Freaks

THIS is the season when spiders invade the home, preferring a cosy human abode to the bitter chill outside.

Reader Belinda Clarke is researching ways of dissuading her arch enemy, the arachnid, from swaggering into her house, and came across some useful advice.

“Apparently spiders dislike the smell of peppermint,” she says. “Therefore infusing your home with that particular scent gets rid of them.”

Adds Belinda: “I’d never heard this before, though it makes perfect sense. After all, you rarely see a spider sucking a Polo.”

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Chocs away

WE’RE discussing the presumptuous arrival of the festive season, for supermarkets are already eagerly promoting Christmas goodies.

Which persuaded the husband of reader Patricia Ford to arrive home carrying a selection box, packed with yummy chocolates.

“Isn’t it a bit early for that?” said Patricia.

“If I don’t buy now,” countered hubby, “how d’you expect me to gobble at least 20 selection boxes by December 25th?”

Phone phun

THERE are plans to scrap landlines by 2025, which saddens reader Brian Smallwood. “I pity telephone users of the future,” he says. “They’ll never know the pleasure of slamming down a receiver after answering a cold call. Bliss it was in that dawn to be alive. But connected to a landline was very heaven.”

Bovine book

DAFT joke time. “How does a farmer purchase new cows?” asks reader Tony Roberts. “He looks through the cattlelog.”