When Mark Agnew set out to smash world records for rowing the Atlantic, the plan was to return victorious armed with daring stories of high seas adventures to tell his grandchildren.
So, when both efforts ground to an early halt after just days at sea, visions of celebrations and glory were overtaken by the misery of failure.
Ashamed and convinced that he had let people down, Mark ended up grappling with feelings of humiliation and worthlessness.
The miserable hangover lingered for 12 months, when he convinced himself that his days as an adventurer were over.
Now, however, he has turned his mindset around, and is preparing for a fresh challenge: a record-breaking Arctic voyage to kayak the 2000-mile Northwest Passage.
Next month the Edinburgh-born adventurer and motivational speaker will set off with three others from Bylot Island, Nunavut in Canada, with hopes of finishing 90 days later at Tuktoyaktuk, an Inuit hamlet in Canada.
They will follow the historic Arctic route that links the Atlantic and the Pacific – hopefully, the first time the entire route has ever been kayaked, and the first time completed with just human power alone with no motors or sails, in any type of craft in a single summer.
On the way they will have to keep watch for possible polar bear attacks, and a face a gruelling 40 miles row on one day which will see the two double kayaks having to venture into open water, far from land.
The attempt is a major leap forward for Mark, whose two failed efforts dented his confidence and sapped his motivation to attempt any challenge ever again.
He says he has now rethought his approach from one of ‘win or nothing’ to the old adage of ‘it’s the taking part that counts’.
“After failing to row the Atlantic twice, I felt utterly worthless.
“I was overcome with feelings of humiliation and failure. It began to seep into every aspect of my life, and I became lethargic,” he said.
“I wasn’t clinically depressed but the feeling of being pathetic became overwhelming.
“I decided I needed to drag myself out of my hole by going on adventures again.
“I realised I had to focus on the experience and not the outcome. I began to focus on camaraderie, discovery of beautiful landscapes and being at one with nature and not just on the aspect of winning or of gaining the world record.”
The two Atlantic crossings were abandoned for different reasons: the first because the rowing boat turned out not to have full waterproofing which meant the team had to row in several inches of water.
“It became untenable, and we were eventually picked up by helicopter,” he said.
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The second lasted just three days before problems emerged with the rowing boat’s battery which meant the small, vulnerable vessel was invisible to passing ships’ radar.
Mark, a former Fettes School pupil, added: “There is a lot of pressure to succeed – even people who embark on solo adventures have a whole team of people behind them who have supported them and made sacrifices to help, you don’t want to let them down.”
He said while he will be “heartbroken” if the latest challenge fails, he is entering it from a new perspective.
“With the first two challenges, I felt I had to cross the Atlantic and set a world record or I was a failure.
“I forgot about the journey and experience and all the stuff in between.
“I will be heartbroken if this goes array in the first few days. But, if we give it a good crack and don’t succeed it will still be an amazing experience in the Arctic.
“I want to remember why I started these things in the first place, so it doesn’t all hinge on a single outcome.”
Mark, whose parents Crispin and Suzie live in Marchmont in Edinburgh, has been preparing for his expedition by kayaking around Bass Rock off the coast of East Lothian, and the west coast.
He hopes to raise over £25,000 for Wilderness Foundation UK, a charity offering education and therapy programmes for young people and adults to help them reconnect to society and to themselves through outdoor facilitation adventures, therapy and mentoring.
Mark is due to set off on 1st July, leaving his pregnant wife, Sophie and their one year old daughter, Naomi, at home.
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The route he and his team will follow is the same sought by the British Arctic exploration voyage led by Sir John Franklin in 1845 aboard two ships, the HMS Erebus and HMS Terror.
The expedition met with disaster as both ships became icebound and the crew of 129 men was lost. Mark’s team may even pass directly over the wreck of HMS Terror.
Now, 178 years since their ill-fated voyage, the Arctic’s ice conditions have changed – global warming means the attempt is possible as the sea ice melts and disappears.
Mark continued: “This is the ‘voyage that shouldn’t happen’. One hundred years ago the Northwest Passage would have been frozen almost all year-round, now we are going to be able to kayak the 2000 miles in a single season.
“A rather devastating example of how much climate change has affected the planet.”
Mark will be joined on the expedition by three Americans - expedition leader West Hansen, Jeff Wueste and Eileen Visser. The team will each consume between 4,000 to 6,000 calories per day and re-supply halfway in Cambridge Bay.
Each night they will camp on shore, with a tripwire to let off a bang if they are approached by polar bears as they sleep.
Mark hopes to raise over £25,000 for the Wilderness Foundation UK.
Jo Roberts of Wilderness UK, said, “Wilderness Foundation UK has a history of patrons who have been iconic explorers and adventurers. Mark is no different to them in the challenges and hardships they endured and survived.
“His passion to challenge himself and the ocean links him to the greats of this world.
“By taking on the Northwest Passage, paddling into an unknown both within himself and the environment, he will be inspiring others to face their fears and embrace their inner strengths.”
The expedition can be followed online and with updates on social media https://www.thearcticcowboys.com and @adventureagnew on Twitter and Instagram.
To donate to Mark’s cause for Wilderness Foundation UK please visit: https://rb.gy/fufog
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