• Cross boss

THE horrors of the working world, continued. Richard Latham recalls an office job he once endured.

Upon completing his first day he visited the pub with some of his new colleagues.

A certain amount of liquid refreshment was imbibed before one of them hissed a warning in confidential tones.

“Watch out for the boss,” said this chap, “he has poor interpersonal skills.”

“How poor?” inquired Richard.

“Well,” said the colleague, “he smells pretty rancid, and when he arrives in the office with a hangover – which is a lot – he’s liable to sack anyone who has the audacity to say ‘Good morning’ to him.”

  • Inverse veritas

“ISN’T it curious,” says reader Susan Reid, “that whenever someone begins a sentence with: ‘I’m not trying to be cheeky…’ they’re trying to be cheeky.”

  • Muscle-hustle hassle

WE mentioned the rigours of exercise, which reminds Brenda Adams of a dialogue overheard in the gym between a personal trainer and his huffing-and-puffing client, who was proving intransigent when it came to following orders and lifting hefty weights.

“Come on!” enthused the perky personal trainer. “You wanna get shredded, don’t you?”

“Dinnae talk daft,” grumped the client. “Cardboard gets shredded, nae human beings.”

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  • Cockamamie compliment

GROWING old – the facts. Terry Wilson’s work colleagues are mostly in their twenties.

Terry, alas, can only faintly recall his own twenties, which took place around the time that Orville Wright glared at a bird beating its wings in the blue Ohio sky, then declared to his brother: “Y’know, Wilbur, old fella. That flippity-flap business don’t look too durn’ difficult. Think we should give it a try?”

Regarding his advancing years, Terry admits to feelings of melancholia. Until one young colleague asked his age.

“Sixty-two,” sighed Terry.

“You don’t look it!” insisted the young colleague.

“Really?” beamed our delighted reader.

“Not at all!” said the colleague. “You don’t look a day over sixty.”

  • Sassy ciggy

GRAFFITI artist Banksy declared his favourite work of art is Glasgow’s Wellington statue with a traffic cone on its head. Inspired by this revelation, the Diary is "Glasgowfying" other iconic art works.

Doug Milford suggests the Mona Lisa should have a Benson & Hedges fag dangling from her enigmatic smile.

“It would make her smoking hot,” says Doug. “Or maybe just smoking.”

  • Novel suggestion

WE’RE improving famous works of fiction by adding an additional word. Bob Jamieson suggests A Back Passage to India.

  • Language overload

“ONCE you memorise the dictionary,” says reader Liz Haines, “every other book is just a remix.”