Terrif’ Ms. T

THE Diary was sad to hear of the death of Tina Turner, one of the greats of popular music. The huge talent she possessed is hard to describe, but we’ll give it a go…

Take one Ed Sheeran; subtract a mop of red hair; add high heels, bucketloads of charisma plus a superior singing voice; now replace the names Ed and Sheeran with those of Tina and Turner, and – voila! –  there she stands in all her glam and groove and glory.

It’s doubtful we’ll see Tina’s likes again, not in a world of pre-packaged pop and marketable mildness.

Like the magnificent Ms Turner, our Diary contributors eschew commercial blandness, preferring the real deal.

In other words, genuine stories about genuine folk, which is what we offer in the following classic yarns from our archives…

 

On further reflection…

AN artist of the needle and ink variety told us he tattooed a chap’s name on his arm only for the chap to phone in an agitated state, when he got home, to claim that the tattooist had “pit the name oan backwards”.

“Are you perhaps looking in the mirror?” the tattooist enquired.

After a slight pause the phone was put down with no further discussion.

 

Class act

A STUDENT told us how the caring authorities at his uni were trying to help young scholars cope with the stresses and strains of academic life.

A large whiteboard was put up at the entrance, on which was written: “Tell us what class you are struggling with and why?”

Below it someone had written: “The bourgeoisie, because they control the means of production.”

 

Sleepy smart alec

ANOTHER tale of our exemplary academics. It was the day of the final of brainy TV show University Challenge, which inspired one scholar on Byres Road to announce: “University Challenge – getting  out of bed in the morning.”

 

Ruinous ruminations  

A READER claimed he was in a party of tourists being shown round a Speyside castle when the guide enthusiastically explained: “Although the main tower is over 400 years old, not a stone has been touched, nothing has been altered, and nothing replaced in that time.”

“Sounds like the same landlord as me,” piped up a Glaswegian in the party.

 

Liquid assets

FINANCIAL affairs. A Bothwell reader recalled the pub in Airdrie that had a prominent sign stating: “We have an arrangement with the local bank. They don’t serve beer, and in exchange, we don’t cash cheques.”

 

Broke birdie

A GREENOCK reader didn’t realise how bad the recession was until he read the subtitles on a BBC Reporting Scotland story about a rare bird that had escaped from Edinburgh Zoo.

The subtitles stated that "keepers feared it might be attacked by a creditor".