“That guy George is obsessed with you” a mate on twitter told me, I was very excited. Clooney is finally giving in to me, but it turns out it was Channel Four’s Most Famous Cat Impersonator George Galloway.

Now, don’t get me wrong, I am as excited as anyone else regards talking animals, you’ll know that if you’ve seen my voice over videos, but my heart sank.

George Galloway (Channel Four’s Most Famous Cat Impersonator), the man who has politically turned over more coats than big Senga the cloak room wummin’ at The Savoy Disco has me in his sights. Even his political party is the sign of a Target which makes perfect sense.

Can you imagine my disappointment? Now, don’t think I am not grateful that a man who can pour himself into shocking pink lycra, purr and lap milk from a palm is giving me his undivided attention.

At my age, men dressed as cats is not a something I am going to snark or miaow at, but George (Channel Four’s Most Famous Cat Impersonator) is all about the tongue. “Haud yer breeks Agnes” its not that kind of column.

He has given a few women on Twitter his voraciously voiced opinion, Gaelic speakers and Scot’s singers and me the Jakey comedian, we get it often and hard from George (Channel Four’s Most Famous Cat Impersonator).

He doesn’t like how we speak nor does he like our words. He likes to get a “guid pile on” the lassies who defiantly answer back.

Men like Irvine Welsh and the character “Begbie” are fine in his book, because men can speak, write and perform in their own Scot’s tongue, but women shouldn’t.

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I suspect we should be wearing an underskirt in case the Scottish sun shows through our longline cotton skirts and reveals an outline of our upper thighs and that in itself is “pure mockit” (Scots word for dirty) George (Channel Four’s Most Famous Cat Impersonator) explained that BBC Scotland is putting out content with people like me speaking badly, he disliked the use of slang and Scots words then explained I was a “Jakey” which is a Scots word can be used to describe “working class, drunk, slovenly, unkempt addict”.

Mr Galloway (Channel Four’s Most Famous Cat Impersonator) says he expects more from BBC Scotland, he doesn’t want Scottish people using their own accents, this from a man who speaks fluent cat.

Yes, I know. BBC Scotland have a plethora of programmes showcasing the Gaelic language and Scots speaking home grown talent all putting their skills on show.

No programmes feature men in lycra being really good at ‘supping milk’ but who knows there might be space after the election.

He appeals to the most self-hating Scottish unionist and union flag waving Scots on twitter who yearn for every Scottish TV show to be set in Crammond with a perfectly well spoken Miss Jean Brodie presiding over the local tea shop, she has a poster in the window of Nicola Sturgeon that has a big red X across her face and she wears two underskirts for safety.

There will be no broad accents, just lovely well-spoken Blue Peter type men in yellow cords and wax jackets talking about the rugged coastline and the wonderful memories of the time they put down their Barbour coat so Mrs Thatcher could step over a puddle when she looked out into the slashing rain and watched Ravenscraig struggle for survival.

The good old days when poor people knew their place and never spoke on TV unless it was to tell us how grateful they were for Tories letting them buy their council house.

There will be no one speaking like they once had a veranda, menage or sold football cards to pay for a local lassie to get a pram for her baby. Local accents are not to be heard on BBC Scotland, we must stamp out anything that says “working class” and “lived experience”.

Of course it’s utter accent snobbery, I know people who were drug addicts, who lived with extreme poverty and they spoke more sense that someone I knew with perfect pronunciation, it’s all relative.

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Accent is just the noise and sound of your words; it doesn’t matter how those words are phrased, it’s the intention behind them.

“Let the bodies pile high” is a disgusting statement but I suspect it was spoken in perfectly received pronunciation. You see what I am getting at? It’s not the sound of the words, it’s the intention of what is said that is disgusting.

I think the most horrific sentence I ever heard coming out of someone’s mouth was “You wanted me to do it” and that man got put in jail for abusing me back when I was 6 years old, but he spoke in perfect diction and was a celebrated flautist in the Orange Lodge. The accent is less important when the action is the thing to abhor.

I can tell George Galloway (Channel Four’s Most Famous Cat Impersonator) that I am proud to come from ‘Jakey’s’ my dad was a recovering alcoholic and my brother was a heroin addict who died from using.

I won “Scots Speaker of The Year Award” and my plays “Alone” saw over 6 Million people watch them through the National Theatre of Scotland’s project Scenes for Survival. I didn’t change my accent and they were viral throughout the world.

It seems odd that a man with a target as his political logo, is going public about alienating the working-class voter and their ‘jakey’ accent, surely that’s a mistake? But he must know best, after all he won’t let it go.

Mr Galloway (Channel Four’s Most Famous Cat Impersonator) obsession with speaking about me on twitter is something that pleases me. I am an uneducated, bestselling, award winning author, playwright, actor and comedian and he can’t stop thinking about me and mentioning me. My agent loves it and is worried sick he’ll want some catnip as a payment.