As imagined by Brian Beacom
WOKEY, wokey! Rise and shine! Well, not me. Not anymore, not since Good Morning Britain and my good self parted company.
Yes, I know I picked up 41,000 complaints from Ofcom for alleged lack of impartiality, but I don’t remember getting complaints when I was grabbing cabinet ministers by the bills over their covid misinformation. Do you?
Now I’m getting blasted for calling out Meghan Markle’s ‘truth’ – incidentally, isn’t truth supposed to be subjective? – and you, a Scottish paper, know we need to be prepared to die on the hill of free speech, don’t you? Your Hate Crimes Bill? That’s as scary as the fact your First Minister suffers from post-remembered memory loss.
Come on, Scotland. Did you buy into Markle’s performance, complete with tame, rescued chickens and an even tamer interviewer?
Believe me, this is an area I know lots about: at one time I was kissing Donald Trump’s backside so often he had to be admitted to the ER to be treated for lovebites, although as soon as he self-identified as a maddy I was out of there.
But now it’s claimed I have an agenda against Markle because she once wooed me – professionally – to help her network in London. And the day after she found her Prince I became an Ugly Sister.
But that’s just one example. She’s a cut and runner: friends, father, her sister, and she dumped her first husband by post. Then she moves into the Palace, and is out of there faster than you can say ‘Cinderella, there’s money to be made in Netflix.’
But does Meghan Markle really have anything to say? She was upset young Archie hadn’t been made a Prince because ‘he wouldn’t have protection.’
What? This couple is worth north of $50m. Hire a couple of Vin Diesel types!
Yes, she got the world listening on the basis of an alleged remark about her baby's skin colour, of which Harry didn’t express concern. And look, I’m not unsympathetic to the pain millions suffer from mental health issues. But the Duchess hasn’t been ‘silenced’.
Listen, after my skirmishes with the media over insider trading (for which I was exonerated), and publishing fake Iraq pictures, my own great gob was hushed for days.
And as for Markle’s complaint about the Palace preventing her having coffee with friends in Kensington, didn’t Prince Andrew make it out to Pizza Express in Woking whenever he needed an alibi?
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What I’m really concerned about, however, is the damage she has done to the British monarchy. It’s almost as much as I did during my stint at the News of the World.
But if she really wants to go into ‘service to the world’ well, try serving those with sore heads from listening to this guff. Get a real job, Megs. Like I will have soon, spouting truths.
And stop this victim nonsense. You argue over tiaras and live in Beverly Hills, not a high-rise in Springburn. As sure as my name is Piers Stefan Pughe-Morgan, I know I speak for the ordinary people.
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