HOW am I feeling about not being the most powerful man in the universe anymore?

Well, I still am, of course. I know that 75m Americans voted for me, and that’s not counting the ones that Sleepy Joe’s team of communists tossed in the trash can.

But I’m not bitter. I can now accept totally that I was cheated. And to be honest, I haven’t felt so much love since that night at Jeffrey Epstein’s pool party. But of course that didn’t happen, and if the FBI are reading this, then, as we all know, it’s fake news.

It’s been a wonderful four years. I can look back at my legacy knowing I’ve created more love than Jesus, the Beatles and Gandhi all put together. And I ask you; did any of these guys give the Mexicans their very own wall? Did they look after the QAnon community – or offer to build the Saudis a series of new golf courses?

I know my neighbours in Mar-a-Lago have joked that if I move in full-time they will take a shotgun to their own heads. But, listen, young America loves me. Now, these kids know how to avoid the draft, income tax, and social responsibility.

Yes, there’s been a little division in America in the past year. But you don’t eat a quarter pound burger without cutting it in half, do you?

Yes, they say I’m a petulant child, that I can’t stand being told off, but that’s crazy. My kindergarten teacher once told me off for peeing into my lunchbox but after I had my dad get her fired, I was totally fine about it.

I’ve also learned to take the insults. They may say I’m Fruit Shoot-sucking, tiny-handed narcissist, but I can look at myself in the mirror, at my beautiful hair, my Florida-orange colouring and my cutesy little mouth and say ‘Donald, you great big hunka man-love, this is not the case!’

And look at the love I’ve shown in pardoning the likes of that creep Steve Bannon, who at one time I would thrown under the campaign bus.

And I love Scotland. Although if I ever become President of Scotland, and it could happen, because my mother was a Scottish, the first thing I’d do is reintroduce the ducking stools. I’d love to see how Nicola Sturgeon and Janey Godley come out of the water.

You know, that could work here too. Wouldn’t it be great to see if Nancy Pelosi and that Fox woman traitor Megyn Kelly who asked me the tricky questions really are witches?

But here’s the thing; my memory of the love I’ve received this year is longer than my coat. And my love for the love of all things me is not to be unloved. So I know that I’ll be back. In four years. If I’m not in jail. But if I am, I won’t be really, because it won’t be true. And I’ll still be loved.

As imagined by Brian Beacom

My Week runs every Saturday in The Herald