The Shackleton Report: Issue 1

Despite a reported rise in troop deployments to the north of England, and claims that the British army have begun to send all Scottish soldiers to Afghanistan while deploying English and Welsh troops to Scottish barracks, ministers in Westminster today denied that the UK was getting ready to crush Scotland militarily in the event of a Yes vote in September's referendum.

A report this weekend had quoted one unidentified UK government minister as saying that 'of course England would invade' in the event of a Yes vote.

'Sure, we want to sound reasonable, we don't want to sound like we hate the Scots,' said the unnamed minister. 'However, the reality, as everybody knows, is that we're Tories. We eat babies. We slaughter wild animals out of badness. We want to tax kittens. We make people with no limbs go to juggling academy or lose their benefit. Of course we'll invade.'

Although Deputy First Minister Nicola Sturgeon claimed the No campaign was 'deeply damaged' by the leak, George Osborne and Danny Alexander made a joint appearance, standing on top of a tank as it rolled up the M6, to deny the story.

Asked repeatedly if they were guilty of bluff and bluster, Osborne cracked, 'No, I'm Bluster, he's Bluff,' to hoots of laughter from the assembled press corps.

Speaking to me this morning from his office on the 53rd floor of Glasgow's Salmond State Building, Dr Shackleton told me he believed the real losers are the electorate.

'We all know the only honest politician is a dead one,' said Shackleton. 'They're all jockeying for position at the moment. Will England invade? Will they deny Scotland the pound? Is Alex Salmond's reported Plan B really the reintroduction of the groat? At the moment they're trying to win votes, and as a result truth lies bloody and slaughtered at the feet of the gorilla of political expediency.'

Some political analysts, such as Professor Malcolm Connery, of the Glasgow Institute of Special Things, believe war is inevitable.

'There's just too much unfinished business,' said Connery. 'We haven't forgiven the Clearances, and they haven't forgotten Jim Baxter sitting on the ball when we handed them their arse at Wembley in '67.'

Later, showing the kind of political insight that only years at Westminster can bring, Scottish Secretary Alistair Carmichael admitted that while some people might vote No, others might vote Yes.

Other Referendum News From The Past Week:

Friday March 28

'It was like Nelson Mandela's release from prison multiplied by VE Day,' says Dr Shackleton, referring to Nick Clegg's triumphant keynote pro-unionist speech at the Scottish Lib Dems' spring conference.

In the most extraordinary political oration of this, or any other, generation, Mr Clegg told an audience of almost 100,000, packed into the Aberdeen & District Liberal and Working Men's Alliance Social Club, that staying in the UK would be 'the most thrilling thing that happens to any of us in our lifetime'.

'What we're seeing here,' says Dr Shackleton, 'is a further demonstration of the sheer power that lies behind the No campaign. These guys are Big Dogs, and big dogs have big balls. Alex Salmond may have the girth of ten men, but next to the likes of behemoths such as Clegg, he looks like Hen Broon on the Atkins (diet).'

Mr Clegg, fresh from crushing Nigel Farage earlier in the week, was in fine form, as he stood on the podium Putin-esque, bare-chested and clutching a claymore.

There was one awkward slip of the tongue from the LibDem leader when he inadvertently referred to himself and Danny Alexander 'hammering out the badger'. He quickly apologised, stating that what he in fact meant was that they'd been masturbating together.

Wednesday March 26

There was another blow for the SNP today as new research revealed that all 790 islands off the coast of Scotland will seek independence for themselves in the event of a Yes vote in the referendum.

It was already known that the likes of Shetland, Orkney and Millport were exploring their options, but now it seems that independence fever is sweeping the islands, from Berneray and Easdale, to Ailsa Craig, St Kilda and the Bass Rock.

It's not yet known whether the islands will join together as a single nation, to be known as the Federated Islands of The Former United Caledonian Kingdom (FITFUCK) of Scotland, or whether they will look to be independent from each other.

It is the latter case that is already causing headaches throughout Europe. 'Holy merde,' said Michel Platini, president of UEFA, 'for sure if this happens, we'll need to start qualifying for Euro 2024 last year.'

'It was inevitable,' says Dr Shackleton. 'We're in the viral age. Ideas catch on and sweep around the world in minutes. From Miley Cyrus photobombing David Cameron at Wimbledon, to Alex Salmond swinging butt naked on a wrecking ball, images and ideas instantly become that day's zeitgeist.

'Today it's the notion of independent islands. The SNP have opened Pandora's box, and now global fragmentation leading to annihilation of life on earth is inevitable.'

Monday March 24

With two years to go until the date that the SNP hope to be able to declare Scotland an independent nation, Nicola Sturgeon today announced that a new Scottish Constitution would be unveiled before Holyrood goes into summer recess.

Entitled Declaration of Arbroath II and written on parchment made from the wooden legs of Highlanders enslaved after the Battle of Culloden, the new constitution will, said Sturgeon, 'light a fire under Westminster's backside, and show them we mean business.'

New laws enshrined in the constitution will allow citizens the right to graze sheep on any golf course owned by Donald Trump and see Archie Gemmill's goal against Holland declared a Unesco World Heritage Site.

With recent polls showing the Yes vote catching the No vote, and with the Yes campaign making an Ally McLeod-esque assumption that once someone has decided to vote Yes they won't change their mind, the mood in their camp is ebullient.

'We will close the wall up with the English dead,' said one SNP insider, 'and tonight we feast on two-for-one lamb steaks from Scotmid.'

The latest poll shows voters split nearly 50-50 between those who think politicians should be seen less on the TV, and those who think they are seen too much.