This week saw Iain Gray make his final appearance as Scottish Labour Leader at First Minister’s Questions and all the party leaders took time to pay tribute to his contribution to the parliament.
Ruth Davidson, leader of the Scottish Conservatives, was kind enough to remind Mr Gray that he would now have lots more time for walking the fields of East Lothian, stopping just short of suggesting that he take up basket-weaving or become Parliament milk monitor.
Lib- Dem leader Willie Rennie could only manage to say that Mr Gray had been a great servant of the Parliament before being quite overcome with indifference.
In a particularly touching scene the First Minister, Alex Salmond, managed to refrain from shouting “Are you still here?” and instead spoke tearfully of all the great times he and Iain had spent together, before challenging him to one last game of “scissors, paper, stone” and tying his shoelaces together.
Below is an imagined re-interpretation of their last verbal jousting session (by which I mean I made it up.)
IAIN GRAY: To ask the First Minister what engagements he has planned for the rest of the day.
FIRST MINISTER: What’s it to you?
IAIN GRAY: I am sorry to say this is typical of the arrogance we have come to expect from the First Minister.
FIRST MINISTER: (alighting from his golden chariot pulled by six fine white Arab stallions) Who me?
IAIN GRAY: Well, if you could sook as hard as you can blaw the Forth would be at your door.
FIRST MINISTER: (adjusting his epaulettes) Jealous. Let’s get on with it shall we?
IAIN GRAY: I ask again what engagements the First Minister has planned for the rest of the day.
FIRST MINISTER: (filing his nails) Why don’t you tell us what engagements you have planned for the rest of the day?
IAIN GRAY: My engagements are not the issue. I would be grateful if you would answer.
FIRST MNISTER: Answer what?
IAIN GRAY: The question!
FIRST MINSTER: What question?
IAIN GRAY: The question I put to you a moment ago! I would remind the First Minister that I am the one asking the questions here.
FIRST MINISTER: Oh, do you think so?
IAIN GRAY: Oh, I know so.
FIRST MINISTER: That wasn’t a question.
IAIN GRAY: I know it wasn’t. What’s it to you?
FIRST MINISTER: At last! A question!
IAIN GRAY: No! That wasn’t a question! Well it was, but it wasn’t what I meant, I mean, I meant it but not in the way you mean.
FIRST MINISTER: (appealing to the Chamber) Good Lord. He has no question and he hasn’t even the good grace to be embarrassed!
IAIN GRAY: I don’t have to ask a question.
FIRST MINSTER: This is outrageous! I demand that you ask me a question.
IAIN GRAY: I will do no such thing!
FIRST MINISTER: Presiding Officer, I ask for guidance, how can we continue with business if the Leader of the opposition refuses to put a question? Surely this is unacceptable?
PRESIDING OFFICER: (for it is she, Tricia Marwick) Excellent question First Minster. Would you care to answer it?
FIRST MINISTER: Thank-you Presiding Officer. I might simply suggest, in all humility, that perhaps we’ve had enough questions for one day.
PRESIDING OFFICER: Agreed. Session adjourned.
So. For good or ill, First Minister’s Questions is still the show-piece of the parliamentary week. At its best, it is great parliamentary theatre which calls on party leaders to stand or fall by their wit and intellect.
At its worst however, it becomes an end in itself, where “performance” matters more than substance.
In the end, if parliamentary success is based on avoiding the questions rather than winning the argument, it feels like a pretty hollow victory.
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