AS I write, the UK Labour leader Gerald – is it Gerald? – Corbyn is somewhere in my country, practising his soundbites and psephological wheezes. I hope, for his sake, that he does better than previously, when he seemed not to know that Scotland had its own legal system and promised to implement a raft of policies … that the SNP had already implemented.

It was a classic case of “metrosplaining”, where lackadaisical luminaries from the southern metropolis fail to do their homework before venturing north to tell us about our country. The weekend also saw a selection of top nonentities coming here to try to persuade us that we were better off in Europe.

This in a country that had already voted massively to remain. Worse still, this collection of glassy-eyed galoots from the People’s Vote campaign was composed almost entirely of the same people who told us in 2014 that voting No was the only way to ensure we stayed in the EU and that voting Yes would see us forced to leave it.

Not only that but they believe in the United Kingdom as a whole, where the People’s Vote was … to leave. It’s the new trope of our times: selective democracy. And we in Scotland are just as guilty of it. Here’s the trouble with referenda: people will want to have them every five minutes till they get the result they want.

In a proper democracy, the Queen would decree that referendum results shall be binding for at least 10 years. That would save all the agonising about whether to have another one now: naw.

Somebody ill-advisedly mentioned “nonentities” earlier, but at least that didn’t apply to the comedian Rory Bremner, who got into a Twitter spat with nationalists over the injudicious People’s Wrong Vote visit. This never descended to abuse – though several contributors wearily feared it would be spun as such in the press, where abuse is a much abused word. But it was rather robust and Rory, to his credit, did his best to appear conciliatory and pleasant.

The trouble with the Unionist case is that it’s always easily outwitted intellectually. It’s nothing more than a feeling, and I can respect it for that as well as understanding that’s why it attracts the kind of brain surgeons who turned out with their Union Flags and Ulster paraphernalia on Glasgow’s George Square after the independence referendum vote in 2014.

Talking of leading intellectuals, another imminent visitor to Lesser Britain looks like being top-to-bottom Brexiter Nigel Farage (pronounced “Farridge” if you’re British, rather than the French way he says it). He’s campaigning to “take our country back”, which is what we tried to do in 2014 despite his opposition, and yesterday he got into first gear on a purple double-deck bus boasting, in his words, “the biggest drinks cabinet in the country”.

Well, that should come in handy and save him having to take refuge in a pub, as he did on his last visit here when he was given the two fingers – veni, vidi, vickies – and found himself pursued by an angry mob.

I don’t approve of this sort of thing and, as a socialist, deplore these left-wing, “anti-fascist” mobs who behave like fascists, shutting down free speech and bringing mayhem to the streets.

Bringing your politics to the streets is fine as long as it remains civilised. The recent All Under One Banner marches for independence have been a shining example of this. But, as soon as you have a situation where you can’t have kids and pet dogs present on safety grounds, I never want to be a part of it.

As for Nigel – and he’s quite likeable in some ways; sorry, but a man holding a pint always brings out a twinge of solidarity in me – we should do ourselves a favour, be good-natured about it all and let him have his say.

Unfortunately, last time he was here he chose to say the protesters were “anti-English” SNP supporters, which was inaccurate on so many levels. The protesters were mostly a wide range of students and one of the two arrested leaders was English.

That’s the problem with trying to smear the SNP as anti-English: it displays risible ignorance. Despite English votes playing a part in swinging the vote against Scottish independence in 2014, the party is so painfully pro-English that you would risk defenestration if you even mentioned the E-word in front of it.

Which brings us back to Mr Corbyn, who is here under a distinctly nationalistic-sounding “Build It In Britain” banner, which might have been borrowed from Donald Trump and could even meet Nigel’s approval. Truly, we live in interesting times. I wish we didn’t.