Enough rope

GOOD to see Scottish fitba' is back after we tried to get used to all those silky skills at the World Cup. As Junior football side Easthouses Lily Miners Welfare, who play in the East of Scotland League, explained on social media at the weekend: "Our friendly today was abandoned at 3-3. An opposing player attempted to choke-slam the referee before the referee gave him a clothes-line and it ended all square."

And no, a clothes-line was not the ref helping him hang out his washing.

Picture this

HOLIDAYMAKERS are now returning home, a little bit annoyed if they're being honest that the weather was so good in Scotland while they were away. Anyway, we are a bit sympathetic towards the young chap on a bus into Glasgow, overheard by a reader, who told a young woman who asked if he wanted to see her holiday pictures: "Unless you got attacked by a shark, then I'll pass."

And a Bearsden reader confides to us: "The wife packed her running gear saying she might go for a few early morning runs on holiday. That's the fifth year in a row she's done that. Never used it yet."

You wish

TOUR buses continued. If you have ever visited Lewis, you might have seen the 20-foot high whalebone arch at Bragar which is formed from the jawbones of a blue whale. A reader tells us: "The late Iain Morrison provided tours around the island, often for passengers off cruise ships. When he approached Bragar he would begin an account of a family having an exceptionally large turkey at Christmas. It was, according to Iain, large enough to feed everyone in the village, When the bus came round the last bend and into full sight of the arch, he explained to the bemused passengers that it was the wishbone of the mythical turkey."

Sinking feeling

A WEST End reader heard a young woman triumphantly tell her pals that she was celebrating the three-month anniversary of her new relationship. "Big deal," replied a pal. "I've had dishes in the sink longer than that."

Still standing

PAUL Chalk was in a pub in Inverness where a fairly rotund local was telling fellow topers: "I took a wee tumble the other day - but managed to bounce back like the pavement was a trampoline."

Taxing problem

A CLARKSTON reader phones to idly muse: "We used to tell our children not to get in a car with strangers. Then we told them to be careful about meeting folk off the internet. So how come we don't have a problem with them using the Uber app on their phones?"

Bright spark

ERIC Macdonald passes on to us: "A friend in England was sent a message from his golf club stating: “Please can we ask members not to smoke out on the course during the current hot weather.There is a high risk of fires being caused from discarded cigarettes that may not have been distinguished."

Must be a very posh club if even the fags have to be distinguished.

Bit of a card

POINT to ponder from Christine Pacione in Milton of Campsie who says: "Have you ever noticed that Get Well cards are always placed next to With Sympathy cards?"