WE’RE facing anarchy. The real reason why Police Scotland is increasing the number of Taser-trained officers is that information has leaked about a possible rampage of eyeliner-smudged sad-faced ladies in dated twin-sets.
Marks and Spencer, as a high street enterprise, is unravelling fast with the announcement up to 100 stores are to close across Britain.
On the face of it, this is a disaster. Since 1884, M&S has been seen as the Versailles Palace of stores, representing middle class aspiration and nice, middle-of-the road fashion and food.
To visit a Marks and Spencer store meant being served by assistants with very good diction who had won Best Attendance certificates at school, who helped us buy clothes that you knew would last. M&S school blazers were so good younger sisters hated them, knowing they’d eventually become a hand-me-down.
READ MORE: Marks & Spencer swings axe on more than 100 stores
Shirt collars never seemed to wear. And socks would eventually become holey but could take a darning. And the cosy comfy underwear was the perfect fit for a growing nation entirely at ease with itself.
But no longer. The socks are still good but the world has changed. We’re Brexit confused, independence divided. We live in a country that doesn’t know what it wants. We live in an internet era and we buy from a small screen. We live in a self-contained boutique world, not one of high street superstores.
We have to face the fact the USPs of M&S have gone. Once, you could purchase a nice frock, take it home and possibly wear it out that Friday night to the works do – and return it on Saturday morning. (Tell me a female who hasn’t at least considered that? And I love the story of the bloke who returned a suit, then became indignant when the assistant refused a refund – having pointed out the trouser length had been altered.) But nowadays, returns are part of any internet purchase.
Once, M&S had a sense of fashion. But in recent years menswear has been aimed at those they’d like to dress like Michael Portillo, men who spend their summers yachting off the Portuguese coast. But what the company failed to comprehend is that the the Michaels out there most likely buy their blazers in Liberty.
What they failed to consider is that men and women who’ve come through the Sixties and Seventies have been used to fairly radical fashion explosions; they don’t want to look like Michael Portillo, dashing as he is.
M&S, for men, is not about accepting middle-age but leaping headlong into it. The company’s striped polo shirts, stiff chinos and itchy lambswool jumpers match perfectly the blue concession travel ticket in the pocket, going nicely with the buff heating allowance application.
Who wears cargo pants these days? Not even cargo boat workers. And where M&S once created fashion they have become followers of the likes of Georgio and Kurt; they continually fail to make the fashion cut by around six months.
READ MORE: M&S says closure of up to 100 stores is vital for chain’s future
Sadly, Marks and Spencer has become synonymous with dated and dull, to the point a daughter would tell her father that to wear M&S is to court embarrassment. (And she has.)
And here’s a message to those who are yelling out “Poor Marks”, and claiming the demise of stores suggests the very fabric of the nation is being destroyed. Although the leather shoulder bag I have is great, the watch I bought last year lasted three months. Its boxer shorts last as long as Kylie’s boyfriends. The seams always, always come apart and I have a drawer full of evidence to prove it.
Over the years, attempts have been made to seduce customers by using the likes of the lovely Twiggy to front campaigns. But great Christmas ads are just a temporary stitching in a hem that keeps coming undone.
The food halls still work of course, and help sustain the business. (Had a nice roast chicken from M&S last night.) And apparently you can get a very good Egyptian cotton sheet, and a rather sweet duck egg bathmat. The soft furnishings are great, say my sisters, but too expensive.
Yet, there is hope. In January, Meghan Markle stepped out wearing an M&S batwing jumper. Amanda Holden and Holly Willoughby are said to be fans. But do these fans hit the high street with regularity?
The bottom line is that the bottom of M&S chinos are baggy. The bottom line is money is as tight as Theresa May’s squeeze on Russian oligarchs. And families are pushed to align themselves with the fashion rebel forces in the form of George at Asda, F&F at Tesco and those guerilla fighters at Primark.
And it’s sad. Job losses will be tragic. Marks and Spencer is part of our lives, as Woolworths once was. But what’s become obvious is that while the world has changed, Marks and Spencer hasn’t.
WB Yeats once wrote in The Second Coming: “Things fall apart, the centre cannot hold. Mere anarchy is loosed upon the world.” Who amongst us realised he was anticipating the demise of M&S?
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