Let's go retro techno

SLOWLY – so slowly you may not have noticed – there is a technological revolution happening, but it’s happening in reverse. It is an anti-revolution. Technology that we thought was obsolete or useless or laughable is making a comeback; digital is becoming analogue; computer screens are morphing back into paper and there’s the smell of steam, ink and oil about the place after all these years. The past is becoming the future.

The effect has been particularly noticeable in the last few days. On the Settle to Carlisle railway line, for example, steam engines are pulling regular services for the first time in 50 years; the nephew of Sir Clive Sinclair has just announced that he is launching a new version of the Sinclair C5 pedal cycle; and there was more good news for the reverse-revolutionaries: the Nokia 3310 mobile phone is coming back.

Quite why this is happening I’m not sure – nostalgia is probably partly to blame but it’s also partly because new technology is not as good as we were told it was going to be. I’m also interested to see where this trend will go next and have some suggestions for other technology and gadgets I’d like to see return to everyday life.

• Cassettes. Because, unlike almost every piece of modern technology, you can fix them yourself. You do not need to phone a call centre. You do not need someone from IT. You just need a pencil. And you know what? People get it – in 2016, cassette sales were up by 74 per cent.

• Typewriter. For similar reasons to the cassette. A typewriter cannot crash, unless it happens to be in the boot of your car when you bump into the car in front at the roundabout.

• Teasmade. Because having your tea made for you by your bed means you do not have to stand in a queue, ask for a super skinny grande latte from a lowly-paid student employed by a zero-tax multinational and watch them scribble an approximation of your name on a paper cup.

• Viewmaster. Because using a bright red plastic viewer to look at pictures on a cardboard disc is a more dignified way of getting the 3D experience than going to the cinema and wearing those ridiculous glasses.

• Dymo tape machine. Because stuff needs labelled. I was such a fan of my dymo tape machine that I used it to produce a label that said “dymo tape machine” and stuck it to my dymo tape machine.

And if you still don’t understand why anyone would want all this old technology back, remember that the UK Government has just opened a new security centre dedicated to protecting us against cyber attacks – they understand that soon everything will be hackable and that there could be one, big, final computer crash. Not that I, as a reverse revolutionary, will have to worry because when the world does go to hell, I’ll be fine. I’ll be there amid the rubble, happy as Larry, using my dymo tape machine to label the chaos.

Pay up, sisters

Lucy Brown went on a date with someone she met on the Plenty Of Fish website. The man picked up the bill. She decided she didn’t want a second date and texted him to say so. He then texted her back and asked her to contribute to the drinks bill for the date which came to over £80.

But you know what the most shocking fact is in that story, which was all over the papers last week? It isn’t that the man asked Lucy to pay her share, it’s that he paid the total bill in the first place. Why on earth is there still an expectation among some women that a man should pick up the bill? Do these women also believe visitors should leave a calling card on a silver tray in the hall?

I’m not pretending to really understand how dating works, although I do know there are certain things you shouldn’t say on a first date such as "Let's get married" or "prison isn't as bad as you think" or worst of all: "I’m a Liberal Democrat." But I have observed from shows like First Dates that women are not as good at dates at men. Far too many of them expect to sit back and be amused or impressed rather than try very hard themselves. And, most astonishingly of all, many women still expect the man to pay. Open your purse and pay up darling. This isn’t the 1870s.

A spoonful of Dickens

I like the idea, proposed by some senior Scottish doctors, that student medics, as well as reading their medical textbooks, should be reading the classics of literature so they can better understand their patients as people. But you know what I like better? Doctors prescribing novels to their patients. It’s all about pills and tinctures these days, but books can make you better too.

To get us started, there are a number of books I would suggest that every doctor should have in their consulting room, ready to prescribe at any minute whatever the problem. Acne and teenage angst for instance. Just prescribe The Diary Of Adrian Mole and the patient will understand that the spots will go away in time. The angst, on the other hand, never does. I can also see doctors prescribing Jane Eyre to anyone suffering depression over the state of their marriage and before long the advice will be clear. Do try counselling or couples therapy. Do not try locking your wife in the attic and marrying someone else.

A colleague who is much sadder and nerdier than me has pointed me to a bit of the internet in which geeks and obsessives have been talking about the way in which they record their collections and possessions. So I started reading it and very quickly was marvelling at the saddos.

Look at this guy for example. He keeps a list of all the television shows he’s watched and when he’s watched them, so that he won’t try to rewatch them within less than five years. And what about this loser? He keeps a list of every comic he has, categorised by publisher, condition, quality, and how many copies he has. And what can you say about the guy who has a spreadsheet of all his computer and AV cables?

Oh, but hang on a minute. Some of the stuff on this website is looking uncomfortably familiar. Such as the guy that keeps a list of all the books he has read organised by genre. I do that. And the other guy who, after he’s read a novel, writes the main plot points on a piece of paper and keeps it in the book. I do that too. Does this mean I’m sad? Or does it mean something simpler: that we all need the comfort of knowing there are people out there who are much sadder than us.

Oh, bake off, Ma'am

It looks like Prue Leith could be taking over from Mary Berry when The Great British Bake-Off moves to Channel 4, and I can’t think a better choice really. Berry’s role was pretty much the same as that of a minor Royal feigning interest in the lives of ordinary people and Leith has much the same aura about her.

Giving 76-year-old Leith the role is also another victory for the idea that female presenters do not have to be retired off at the first visible signs of ageing. And isn’t it nice that the likes of Berry and Leith are there to promote a nicer, more old-fashioned way of living and behaving? Their advice for baking a cake is also pretty much a blueprint for life: read the instructions and weigh everything very carefully.