GETTING old clearly has its pitfalls. Donald Grant says he and a few friends were discussing their memories of the first TV programmes they could remember watching. Given their age, Sunday Night at the London Palladium featured quite prominently - until someone wryly said "Last night's Six O'Clock News".

PAUL Barrett has recently moved from East Kilbride to Newton Mearns and has noticed some differences in the respective vocabularies. At church, the priest spoke of “visiting his mammy every Tuesday”. A young boy next to Paul whispered to his dad: “Daddy, what’s a mammy?”

ALWAYS good to see the police entering into the spirit of things. The weekend saw the latest edition of Bonfest, Kirriemuir's annual rock festival in honour of Bon Scott, the late AC/DC singer. In a succession of tweets the cops showed a working knowledge of the band's song titles.

"Angus Officers will be "Back in Black" this weekend policing Bonfest Kirriemuir. Have a good time," read one. Followed by: "Hells Bells', AC/DC Bonfest, Kirriemuir tomorrow. 'For Those About to Rock', 'It's A Long Way To the Top'. 'Play Ball' and enjoy." Then: "AC/DC BonFest starts today and it's snowing! It's a 'Highway To Hell' out there. Drive Safe please."

THE Diary's ageing mobile chirruped into life yesterday as it received a text from a blinds company. The text spoke excitedly about the company's 'Amazing 7 Day Secret Sale'. Apologies for the pedantry, but can the sale really be secret if they're texting people about it?

DIARY reader John Mulholland popped into Glasgow's Griffin pub in time to hear Jack, the barman, declare, “Sorry, taps aff the day.” Quite frankly, says John, he didn't think it was that warm, but as a token gesture he took off his jacket. "I needn't have panicked. It transpired they were only taking advantage of the quiet Bank Holiday to continue with the refurbishment of the bar and renew the draught beer taps."

FOOTBALL fans were exasperated by the sight of Manchester United's Marouane Fellaini elbowing Leicester's Robert Huth during Sunday's game at Old Trafford. Many wondered how the Belgian can continue to get away with such behaviour. The best explanation came from BlueMoonRisingTV on social media. "Fellaini," they reckon, "must have some incriminating pics of someone at the FA hidden away in a storage facility somewhere." Then again, given that BlueMoonRisingTV belongs to the blue side of Manchester - it describes itself as the "biggest Manchester City unofficial fan channel" - perhaps its observation should be taken with a pinch of salt.

STILL on the sport, football reporter Alan Temple tweeted that Raith Rovers fans seemed to like fancy dress for their last regular fixture of the season. “Queueing for a coffee wi' Batman, an Oompa Loompa & one of the Blues Brothers,” he wrote. To which novelist Ian Rankin responded: “Just normal Fife leisurewear, chief…”

EVERYBODY knows the Glasgow habit of putting a traffic cone onto the Duke of Wellington statue outside GoMA. Until it read Michael Meighan’s new book, Glasgow in 50 Buildings, the Diary was unaware of another: sticking cigarette ends into the soldiers’ fingers in the bronze frieze beneath. A quick check yesterday reveals that the habit is alive and well.