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Welcome to the Herald Diary newsletter by Lorne Jackson. Going strong for half a century, The Diary finds the sublime and the ridiculous in Scottish life.
📖👉 Send your jokes and observations to thediary@theherald.co.uk
Irish comedian Michael Redmond is based in Glasgow’s west end, and admits being impressed by the swanky dining habits of the well-heeled locals.
“There is a spider that has spun its web outside my sitting room window,” he reveals, “and it appears to have set meal times.
“It appears around 9am for a full breakfast, then a light lunch at about 1pm, and finally enjoys a two-course dinner at 6pm.”
But does the epicurean arachnid end the evening in dazzling style by inviting a few charming bug chums round for nibbles and oodles of boozy beverages?
Michael doesn’t say, though it’s unlikely.
It’s almost impossible to imagine a legless spider…
The wife of Diary correspondent Alex Taylor was reading a novel.
Afterwards Alex asked if she had enjoyed it.
“No, it was awful,” she said.
“So why did you finish it?” inquired Alex.
“Well, it was a short novel,” explained his wife. “So by the time I decided not to read it, I already had.”
On a Giffnock bus, Emma Bourke overheard a woman say to the pal sitting next to her: “I’m in such a bad mood.”
“Why’s that?” asked the pal.
“Well,” said the first woman, “I woke up in a bad mood, and I hate being in a bad mood. So then I was in a bad mood about being in a bad mood.”
Katherine Hutchison tells us she was astonished to discover that a school has an education department, and adds: “As opposed, perhaps, to a fly-fishing department or a tulip-farming department?”
History teacher Jason Henwood was telling a class about the Great Depression.
One snarky scholar gave a derisory snort, then said: “There’s nothing great about depression.”
On social media the hot topic is Tam Shepherds Trick Shop, the famous Glasgow magic emporium that also sells practical jokes.
One female Facebook correspondent writes: “I mind in the 60s, a bit bored at work, I popped in there at lunchtime, bought some itchy powder, spread it over the typewriter keys at work… omg, the staff were going crazy.”
The crafty prankster pretended to be similarly afflicted by the powder, thus ensuring that her identity as the mastermind of the diabolical crime was never discovered.
She remains unrepentant, and on Facebook adds: “To this day I tend to think when they have protesters sticking themselves to roads, causing disruption, itchy powder would soon sort them out…”
Pet-loving Sarah Morris took her cat to the vet. She wanted to discover why the moggy refused to sleep in its wicker basket.
“There’s no rest for the wickered,” explained the vet.
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